The Victory Celebration

(Previously published December 3, 2010)

There are days that you just don't want to forget. Forever etched on your heart and in your mind.

Significant.

Many of those days are not days of our choosing. They are days that chose us through the hand of a loving and faithful Father.  Approving, understanding the significance, and knowing that the purpose holds eternal weight.

Wednesday was one of those days. As my last chemo treatment was before me, I wanted to celebrate.

Celebrate the end, bringing about a new beginning.

Celebrating the journey and all that God had taught me along the way, thus far...knowing there is more ahead, but this passageway complete.

Celebrate life and hope through Jesus Christ. 

Celebrate friends and the family of God for whom God used to bring me through. Many who gave more to me than they may ever know.

A couple weeks before the calendar marked my last treatment day, I sat in the chemo lounge, receiving a treatment and watched as a lady finished her course. A bell was brought to the center of the room and this lady rang that bell signifying the end. And she bid farewell to each of us sitting in the chemo chairs announcing her road to wellness was before her. There was a smile on her face and a skip in her step. It was a joyous moment. One I will always remember.

I knew my day was approaching. After 97 days of enduring the effects of chemo....August 26th to December 1st....the passageway was narrowing and the door coming to a close on day 98, December 1st..a new beginning. 

And I wanted to celebrate that victory.  I didn't just survive. Through Christ, I conquered.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword.....yet in all these things we are MORE THAN CONQUERORS through Him who loved us."  Romans 8:35,37

And that is victory....sweet victory. That these trials do not separate....they draw us closer, if we'll submit and allow them to.....closer to our Jesus as our dependence is on Him and none other. In Him I am a victor.

Now mind you, I didn't know what that celebration looked like....so I deferred to my precious husband who enlisted the help of some precious other sisters in the Lord.

And once again, I witnessed the body of Christ in action. The love of Christ poured out as a drink offering.

I drank deeply and am still full today.

Once again, my thanks are not enough. They come from a place so deep in my heart and soul and yet I feel I can never adequately repay each of you for the love you have poured out on me and my family. So many of you, God has used in my life these past 8 months. From the time I found the lump in late April until today. These precious woman who surrounded me on Wednesday, have ministered to me in ways that truly bring me to tears as I write these words. From the continual phone calls just checking in on me, to the cards received by their hands in some of my weakest moments, to the prayers that they have ushered to God's throne, often over the phone with me or in person, to the life giving words of Truth from God that they have spoken into me, to the tangible help each chemo week with my children, to the hugs, the gifts received....to the selfless love that they each have offered to me with open hands. May God return to them 10 fold. May God bless them in ways that I never could. Thank you sweet friends, for holding my hand and even raising them when I was too weak. You are tokens of God's grace and love.

And there are many more around me, who were not there that day, who, too, have walked with me. Thank you.

What a beautiful ending God gave me as I crossed that threshold over the chemo doorway once and for all. May these pictures complete this part of HIS story.

The completion bell resting upon a shelf in the chemo lounge. It was my day to ring it~

Ring the bell three times well, its toll will clearly say, "My treatments done! This course is run and now I'm on my way!"

Birdseye view of the chemo lounge. Many hours spent here. Barclay came with me to treatment this morning, but left at lunchtime (now knowing he had much up his sleeve!) and my best friend, Beth, came sitting with me to the end. 

As this was all a surprise to me, I later learned that some of my precious friends were waiting in the lobby outside the chemo lounge for their grand entrance as my chemo was completed. 

The moment of surprise as they came around the corner bearing balloons, gift baskets and their smiling faces. 
I was truly overwhelmed with their love and their desire to share in this special day with me.  

Laura, my nurse that day, disconnecting me from the chemo line for the last time. 

At this point, my husband had returned with all of our children and my mother, in tow. Here is Jeddy,  our 6 year old, coming right over to hug me. Later that night, He told me, "Mommy, I am so glad your chemo is done!"

It is finished!

The man of my dreams. Having walked intimately beside me. Holding me. Enduring. Drawing closer. And here embracing me once again. We celebrate together.  

They brought the bell to the center of the room. There were about 7 people still finishing up their treatment that afternoon. I quickly shared with them the passage from Deuteronomy that God had spoken to my heart that morning. Praying that God would encourage their hearts on their journey.  "Stand strong in the Lord. Posses the victory that is in Him. He will lead you to the other side...a land flowing with milk and honey.  This is what He desires for you. He cares for you deeply. Trust in Him" 

And I rang that bell!! 

My family

with my sweet, endearing, precious friends and sisters in the Lord. 

Some of the many wonderful and gifted nurses that took care of me with a tender heart and a tender touch. With a smile on their face and compassion in their eyes each week. They walked me through each treatment, each Neulasta shot, each question and concern. 

After I ran the bell, Beth handed me a baggie filled with laminated Bible verses.  My life verse was typed on pretty paper and laminated. 1 Corinthians 15:58 "My beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable always abounding in the work of the Lord knowing your labor is not in vain in the Lord." She had made them for me to hand out. I walked through the chemo lounge and asked each person if I could give them this bookmark, that God would encourage their hearts as they continued through their journey. All but one took them. This dear lady, was holding the hand of a friend. As I came to her, she had a story to share with me. 

She told me that she is a 30 year cancer survivor. She continued to tell me a story that I will remember forever. After her treatment ended, she worried, as most cancer patients do....that her cancer would come back. Her faith was strong. But Satan was waging a war on her mind. That is his way. He is a lion who seeks daily who he can devour. (1 Peter 5:8) She wasn't going to let him win. She was speaking to her priest one day sharing this with him. This is what the priest told her that she passed on to me in that moment....."I wouldn't tell anyone to ever go to hell.....but Satan....my priest told me....you tell him to go to hell, back where he came from and leave you alone!" 

The battle is won! Victory is mine says the Lord! AMEN. 

And here is my oncologist, who happened to come around the corner at the end of the celebration, Dr. Johnson.  Like a mother in many ways to me. Her sweet and gentle spirit drew me. Meekness, in a profession where you don't see that very often. Yet, a woman filled with knowledge and wisdom. God placed me in her hands. 

One final farewell....and around the corner, out the door I went. My friends went their way, and we piled in the car heading home....relishing in those beautiful moments and the people that God had blessed me with. 

Little did I know the party was to continue at home with others gathered. As we pulled into our neighborhood and drove up the hill, there lining the roadway were familiar cars.  Tears of joy flooded my eyes once again. As I walked in there they were. And I pulled them all in for one big group hug. 

I am truly blessed beyond measure to know these woman. 

We sat around the table, eating, talking and sharing. Fellowship. 

And as I shared again what God did in my heart that morning, the message He had for me that truly set the foundation for that day and my days to come....our  Pastor's wife and dear friend, Laurie, pulled out a slip of paper that she had written a note to me on, laying atop a package and read it...

."Stacy, I couldn't find "pink" but praise God 'pink - as beautiful as it is, shall be behind you.' I don't know what color stands for triumph....but whatever that color is, it is yours! I believe that whatever grain of fear that was left in you - God has used the vehicle of cancer to stomp it out. You expressed years ago that you battled fear and worry. Faith will and has triumphed! Amen!! 

You see.....God confirmed through Laurie, all that He had spoken to my heart just hours before through His Word. He is faithful, always and to the end. 

And as my morning began at the throne of Jesus, so too, it ended with my sisters gathered around me, unified through Jesus Christ as He laid His life down for each of us on the cross some 2000 years ago....saying, "It is finished." He conquered death. He took our sin upon His shoulders covering our sin with His blood.  Fully God, fully man. He suffered and it was in His suffering that He knows ours, intimately. He meets us there with outstretched arms saying, Come. In Me, there is everlasting life. Believe. Have hope. Find lasting peace.
 

"I am the way, the Truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me. " John 14:6

There is nothing greater than He!!!

I am not a survivor. I am a Victor, through Jesus Christ my Lord. 
In Christ's amazing love,
Stacy

It's been a long week....

(Previously published December 11, 2010)

Today was beautiful.

I'm not speaking of the weather. That too, was beautiful.  From frigid 30's for the past week to the 50's today. Yes, the air lost its bite and a warmth was replaced.

But today was beautiful for other reasons.

Today, 120 women gathered at our church celebrating our Savior at our Women's Christmas luncheon. Breaking bread together. Worshipping together. Fellowshipping together joined by the common thread of Jesus Christ our Lord...sisters in Christ.

And God was there. His Spirit was felt in such a tangible way as He moved through the hearts of the women, especially mine.  As He spoke through the woman sharing the message from Isaiah 9:6:

"For unto us a Child is born, Unto us a Son is given; And the government will be upon His shoulder. And His name will be called

Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."

Speaking Truth, speaking love, speaking of prophecy and fulfillment, speaking of the gift of salvation and the greatest gift giver, all wrapped in one. Jesus Christ. Speaking of the character of Jesus. Who He is and what He's done for us. 

That the focus of this season is not just a baby laying in a manager. That was Jesus's earthly entrance fully God and fully man. That day in Bethlehem was life changing. But Jesus came to do so much more. He walked among us fulfilling a purpose. Bestowing upon us a gift wrapped in more love than our minds can fathom...the giving of Himself.....and He suffered unjustly on the cross at Calvary for my sins and yours, died and rose again....alive today.....seated at God's right hand on the heavenly throne desiring a relationship with you and me.

From the manager, to the cross, to the throne.

May we celebrate Him this Christmas season. May we get to know more of His heart. More of His thoughts. More of His ways. May we focus on the gift giver. Thanking Him and loving Him, giving more to Him than to any other. He is the greatest gift giver.

He is Wonderful. The great Counselor. Mighty God and Everlasting Father. The Prince of Peace.

He is worthy.

Do you know Him? May we all seek Him this Christmas season.

It was a beautiful ending to a long week and so humbling and fulfilling seeing God bring 6 months of prayer and preparation to fulfillment, as He allows me to oversee our church's Women's Ministry. What a privilege.

On another note....

I'm sorry I've been away for the last week or so.  After chemo, I retreated to my bed for a few days. Bone pain descended. Fatigue took over. But God gave respite even in the midst of this last recovery, allowing me to attend a much anticipated wedding and also make it to church last Sunday.  Each day I fell into bed quickly thereafter, but was thankful to make it out. By Tuesday, I was back on my feet feeling restored once again and chemo a thing of my past.

In the midst of final luncheon preparations this past week, I had my first radiation oncology appointment on Wednesday. Bible Study Thursday morning and then that afternoon, I had two moles removed in an outpatient procedure. Friday set up for the luncheon and then ahh.....rest right now.

It has been a long week. I hope to share more about my appointment this week, as God moved mountains once again and spoke so intimately to my heart the morning of my radiation appointment. And then Satan, as is His way, tried to wreak havoc on my mind on Thursday following my procedure. He surely doesn't want me walking in Christ's victory, or entering Christ's rest. And He ramped things up on Thursday after my plastic surgeon informed me he is a little worried about the mole taken off my back.

So we wait for pathology to come back this week. And as I wait, I will rest in the Lord and His goodness because again.....He is Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. 

I don't have to understand why things happen as they do, but I trust in a God who does and who holds me in His righteous right hand.

That is where I am resting tonight. I pray you are too!

Much love,
Stacy

PS...A huge thank you to my sweet blogging sister in the Lord, Lisa. I came to post tonight and saw all your precious comments, quickly learning that Lisa had shared my story of God's Victory on her blog. I was humbled beyond words. My heart was touched by each one of you. Thank you for praying me through this breast cancer journey. I hope to stop by and say hi to each of you.

And lastly....yes, I will stop here......8 years ago today, my precious boy, Joshua, went home to be with the Lord. Hard to believe it has been 8 years. In many ways it seems like yesterday and in others....it seems like forever. He is being remembered today. A precious gift to our family in so many ways. Again, God set forth the perfect day, a day my mind was on Him and all that He has done. God gives and takes away....blessed be the Lord.

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning." James 1:7

Do you see what I see....

(Previously published December 13, 2010)

So a little laughter on Monday morning is always a good way to start the day. 

On Sunday morning, during breakfast, I was showing the kids my new peach fuzz, telling them that daddy said it was like the head of a newborn baby. Saying that they could now picture what I looked like as a baby, a long time ago. My new fuzz is super fine, kinda white and wispy.  It will probably fall out as it changes over to "real" hair.  The excitement builds as we wait to see what my 'new' hair will look like. Most say it comes in darker and curlier. Time will tell.

Well, My 10 year old, in such a sweet, childlike manner piped in, "Yeah, but mom you have teeth, babies don't have teeth!"

The boys, all gathered around the kitchen table, with two of their friends who had spent the night, started laughing hysterically.....I think picturing me with no teeth.

I, too, couldn't stop laughing and said to the boys..."It is bad enough not having hair, can you imagine what I'd look like right now with peach fuzz and no teeth!"

Thanking God for the little things....peach fuzz and teeth. :)

"Then He who sat on the throne said, "Behold, I make all things new.' And He said to me, 'Write, for these words are true and faithful." Revelation 21:5

Much love today,

Stacy

Door #3 - Radiation

(Previously published December 15, 2010)

Last week, December 8th to be exact, door #3 of treatment stood before me.

The door read: RADIATION

No sooner had chemo ended one week before, and here we were traveling quickly to the next phase of treatment.

I wasn't really ready. I just wanted to stand still for a bit and rest. Wait. Savor the moments of chemo being over and bit by bit my body returning to normal.

But the door stood there ajar. Waiting for me to cross the threshold.

9:00AM, consultation with Dr. S.

Months prior, Barclay and I had met with two different Radiation Oncologists. We heard all the statistics.  Why radiation was needed for my cancer. You see, when the mastectomy was done back in July, I had two positive lymph nodes that held cancer and In situ cancer (DCIS) was found .3mm from my chest wall. It was the chest wall issue that caused the doctor's concern and necessitated my need for radiation.

So we prayed. We sought the Lord on this matter, asking Him to show us His way. To bring all into agreement, if this is what we were to do.

We had talked to two other Radiation Oncologists, my Integrative doctor and my Medical Oncologist. All agreed.

And whereas, I really didn't want to proceed down this passageway.....I knew that is where my feet needed to travel.

But I was uneasy about my doctor. We hadn't met yet and it was so important for me to click with her. To feel comfortable in her hands. I knew she was well respected, but also knew that I didn't want to be a numbers and figures on a chart, as I had felt when meeting other doctors. I need my doctors to see me as a woman, with a family facing a disease. So far, God has given that to me, and more.

Wednesday morning came, as the dates on the calendars always do. I awoke early and spent some time in prayer and reading my Bible. I knew this morning, I needed protection...God's protection and His divine Truths to wash over me calming my restless heart. Refocusing my attention on Him and off the hours that laid ahead.

I am constantly aware that without Him I am weak and misguided. That left to myself, I am without peace and direction. Without strength. Without hope.

He is my everything. And He has the answers that I don't have. He calms the storm that begins rising within me.

"And Peter answered Him and said, 'Lord, if it is You, command me to come to you on the water.' So He said, "Come." And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, 'Lord, save me!' And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him...." Matthew 14:28-31

My eyes need to be fixed on Him....everyday. Every hour. Every minute. 

And so that morning, I fixed my eyes on Him. Seeking His shelter and His peace.

He is faithful leading me in His Word to exactly what I needed to hear deep in my heart.

He lead me to Psalm 108.

And I read....

"I will praise You, O Lord, among the peoples, And I will sing your praises to You among the nations.....that Your beloved may be delivered, save with Your right hand, and hear me.....Give us (me) help from trouble, For the help of man is useless. Through God we (I) will do valiantly, For it is  He who shall tread down our (my) enemies." 

He again showed me that He is fighting this enemy....cancer. He is my help. He is my deliverer. Through Him I will do mighty things.....and He will take down this enemy. His way, in His time. All I need to do is stand strong in Him, each and every day and wait on the Lord.

I know I sound like a broken record.....but really....in God is victory and strength. He takes down strongholds and parts the sea. He takes down the giants and desires us to live abundantly in Him.

So I choose Him over everything else.

I stood confident in Him as I walked through the Radiation door.

And He showed Himself strong.

From the receptionist, to the nurse to the Radiation Oncologist......more than I could have asked for.

They were all lovely. They were gentle with me. They were kind. They made me laugh. And the conversation with Dr. S wasn't focused on statistics and percentages of recurrence. She focused on me. Where I began, where I had gone these last 8 months, and why we were seated in front of her that day. And whereas she agreed, that radiation is needed, she ended with saying...."Stacy, ultimately you can choose if this is what is best for you."

No forcing. No medical muscles flexed to intimidate.

A choice.

And isn't that what everything comes down to....choices. Will we chose Him? Will we walk in His love and His strength? Will be rest in His peace?

That morning as I chose to start with Him. Stay with Him and be lead by Him.....He held me tightly.

And so we walk through this door....Beginning in January, I will go through 28 days of radiation therapy. 5 days a week. Targeting my right side from my clavicle to just under my rib cage.

Until then, I have appointments to set up the specs for my radiation. A custom mold made of me for the radiation table. Imaging to target the radiation in the right spots. And then on we go...ready. 

And so, with peace and confidence in God alone,  I walk through the next door trusting that God has gone before me.

And as I walk this cancer journey, I am learning more and more that rest is not the absence of trials and difficulty.....rest is the presence of God.

Are you resting in Him today, no matter where He has you?


Much love,
Stacy

Bare

(Previously published December 21, 2010)

My calendar last week greeted me with 4 days of doctors appointments. What I had pictured as "time off", from chemo to radiation, was beginning to look quite different. Walking through cancer, there really is no "time off." It is always there. The reality. The possibilities. The doctors. There was no letting down this month between me and the medical community. Instead, we have broadened our relationships to now include a staff of radiation specialists....doctors, nurses, technicians and receptionists included.

More people on my path who I have the privilege of meeting. Lives intersecting through cancer. Relationships that might never have been built outside of this disease and my treatment.

Last Tuesday began with my Radiation Simulation appointment. The pre-radiation appointment, if you will, where images are made of my chest so that the radiation can be targeted to the desired location.

When I arrived, a nurse quickly greeted me in the waiting room. She lead me through the next door and guided me past the lockers that would hold my belongings each day as my treatment was underway, to the cabinet that held the hospital gowns, to the changing room and finally to the chairs that would hold me as I waited for my name to be called. This path would mark my footsteps for 28 consecutive days beginning in January.  It will be a path that I will come to know well.

I completed the steps and sat in the small, back waiting room, dressed in the gown, bare underneath from the waist up....waiting. My nurse reappeared and walked me down the wide corridor to the imaging room.

The room was warm, but somehow a chill still ran through my body. I didn't want to be here. I sat quietly, somewhat nervously as she began her job. She was all all business. She had a job to do. My eyes gazed around the room as she prepared. Before me was the cat scan machine and a long, narrow bed attached to the machine. There was a closed door connecting to another room and a window along the same wall covered in metal blinds. Beyond that room were the technicians, I presumed, waiting with their imaging computers for my body to come up on their screens. The room was quiet.

She said she was ready and positioned me on the table. Underneath me laid a trash bag filled with the magic potion that would make the mold of my body. A mold that would hold me each day of treatment as the radiation did its job, hopefully killing any lingering cancer cells near my chest wall. A mold positioning me just right, made to fit my body exactly, cradling me, holding me.

My arms were raised overhead, hands loosely clasped, face turned to the side. Body exposed with nothing more than a thin sheet covering my chest, of which she had to take off marking my sides with a marker.

Bare.

It is a word that seems to define my exterior a lot these days. A bare head. Bare eyes with just traces of eyelashes left, bare eyebrows, the hair that is suppose to layer my exterior is gone.

And yet God reminds me that I am clothed in His mighty robes of righteousness and beauty. Robes that are lavish and deeply colored. Robes of royalty and an inheritance of glory that is waiting for me one day. A robe that is crisp and clean from the forgiveness that He freely extends each day. And I have to constantly bring this reality to the forefront of my mind and heart....meditating on Him alone or the bareness of my physical body will overtake me with grief. All that has been shed.

My mind goes to my Jesus who laid bare in the manger as He made His entrance into this world. As the animals in the stable carried on around Him. As the Wise Men came peering in on Jesus with awe and wonderment, probably never realizing the true beauty that laid before them. Beauty that was just in this baby, but what He had come to do. A purpose to fulfill. And then 33 years later, Bare...He would hang on a cross. Naked, beaten, bruised, hurting in pain unimaginable.....for you and for me. As onlookers mocked him, ridiculed him and gazed at his naked frame. Unknowing that He was the King of all Kings.  Their redeemer. And that while His outward man was perishing, His inward soul was being renewed by the hand of His Father. There He hung, fully God and fully man.....something my mind has a hard time wrapping itself around.

He was willing to be bare.

It wasn't the outside that mattered so much as the inside. What laid beneath the surface. That was the business He was after.

"Therefore, we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary,

 but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Temporary versus eternal.

What we think is important in our eyes, compared to what is important in God's eyes.

And He is getting to the heart of my interior. The stripping away that began the moment I sat in the hair dressers chair months ago. I knew it in my heart. That this was just the beginning. As the hair fell softly to the floor that day. That God was doing a new work in my heart. But for that work to be accomplished, the old would have to go. Old patterns of thinking. Old habits. Old paradigms.

The stripping continues.

I don't lose heart. There are days I am tired and feel like this journey may go on forever. But I know He is doing a work deep within. Cleaning the lens and showing me what is of greater value.

The exterior is temporary. Let's face it. It grows old. It sags. It lets us down. We can spend oodles of money trying to make it better, but at the end of the day....it will die. We all will, someday.

But the soul, the interior.....as the body grows weak, the interior....through Christ.....can grow strong. It can blossom and grow. It can be renewed. And often, that renewing comes through the road of affliction.

I will be laid bare for that work to be accomplished in me. It is worth it. He is worth it. The eternal weight of glory is worth it.

And so I press on, trying not to look at what my eyes want to behold in the mirror, but what the mirror of God's Word beholds in me. That as God speaks to my heart about matters of my soul, I will respond in obedience and willingness.

She worked quickly pushing the sides of the trash bag against my body, holding it there as the liquid inside settled into place, hardening into a cast. I had my ipod in hand. I knew I needed to go to the place that truly brought me peace and rest. My body laid upon the narrow table, the catscan machine waiting just beyond my head....ready.

She made small talk as she worked. But I really didn't want to talk. I wanted to just be still. Once again, I choked back the tears that seem to sting my eyes so easily these days. They come from nowhere and freely flow down my cheeks when I least expect it. It is as if they sit, waiting. I closed my eyes, releasing the tension that stiffened my body. And then she left. It was just me and the machine.....and God, who never leaves or forsakes us. He is there, always.

Worship music began flooding my ears as I praised Him in the quietness and warmth of the room. The table slid into the machine, the whirl began as the machine took its pictures and the imaging began. I was transported to the throne of the Almighty. Peace flooded my heart. The bareness was replaced with the shelter of God Himself. He is my covering. As He whispered His love to my heart and my heart in return cried to Him. And we met again in the cat scan tunnel.

Time moved quickly as the table ushered me back into the room. My arms were numb and heavy from being stationary over my head for so long. The nurse returned and told me I could rest my arms. As I tried to move them they banged against my body with an uncontrolled heaviness. Blood began returning to my fingertips, as the nurse prepared my body for the radiation tatoos....4 of them....marking my body permanently. Pricks of a needle, forever marked by radiation. Forever marked by this breast cancer road, once again.

As the imaging appointment finished, I retraced my previous steps and walked out into the brisk air. Later that day, my oncologist called to tell me that there was a problem with my imaging. As it turns out, my left breast was a bit too large, thus inhibiting the radiation ray to my chest wall. She informed me that she had called my plastic surgeon, relaying this information and that my left side needed to be somewhat deflated.

Last Friday, I went to my plastic surgeon. He took the stitches out from my mole removal procedure the week before, He happily informed me that my moles all came back completely clear...no abnormal cells at all....Praise God! And then he took 125ML of saline out of my left breast leaving me, shall we say....a little bit lopsided.

And this too is temporary....following radiation....he will reinflate me for two months leading up to my final reconstruction surgery in late April.

So this morning, I was back to the radiation department, walking back through the paths leading to the cat scan imaging room....for imaging number 2. Same nurse, same room, same procedure. As she rolled me into the machine, Ipod once again playing and earphones snuggly in my ears.....a light shone through my closed eyes as worship music flooded my ears......with the words.....broken into beautiful.

That is our God.....He takes the broken, the bare....and makes us beautiful as we submit to His loving and gracious hand. He has heart work that He is after.

May we not lose heart.....

Much love today,
Stacy

Power Displayed

(Previously published January 1, 2011)

The roads and countryside of Galilee were marked heavily by the footsteps of Jesus. He walked. He taught. He healed. He prayed. He slept only to awake and do it all again. 

He travelled extensively.  With one purpose....to draw us....to glorify His Father, and display God's power. 
The power that rested upon Him. 

A display more brilliant than the most beautiful sunset. More magical than the most spectacular fireworks.

No where to lay His head....from His lowly entrance into this world, in a manager, to His earthly ministry...no earthly home to call His own. 

His home was found as He rested in the love of His Father. 

The love that would proclaim a kingdom yet to come. A life lived with hope, with healing, showered in grace and abundant in mercy. A looking forward, not looking behind. 

With expectancy.  With urgency.  With purpose. 

And as He travelled He demonstrated this power for all to see. Often in healing the sick and making them well. The blind. The lame. The dead. The demon-possessed. The mute. The deaf. The sick. 

A display.  

The multitudes traveled with Him. Watching. Waiting. Leaning in to learn more. Seeing a glimpse of the power beholden to this man Jesus...the Son of God. 

They were challenged. They were encouraged. They were convicted.  Their hearts softened. And for some, their faith grew. 

There was something different about this man. Something their minds could not grasp hold of. 

And the sick knew that if only they could come close to Him, if only He would touch them, they would be made well. 

Healed. 

Two blind men followed Jesus. 

Without physical eyesight, but knowing the voice of Jesus. 

Following as He performed miracle after miracle. 

Finally, calling out to Him, "Son of David, have mercy on us!" (Matt. 9:27)

And Jesus, knowing the secrets of their hearts. Knowing the healing that they desired. That they needed, asked them a poignant question....

"Do you believe that I am able to do this?"  (Matt. 9:28)

It is a question that God has been asking of me from the moment I read these few short verses this summer. 

In this journey through breast cancer,  along the road, in my moments of weakness and frailty, in uncertainty, in weariness.......as my heart has cried out to Him as these blind men did....God has been answering me...and growing my faith with this same question.

"Do you believe, Stacy, in who I am? That I am able to heal you? That I, ALONE, can do that which no one else can?"

It is a two part question.

Do you believe? 

Is your faith so grounded in Me, Jesus, that you know with absolute confidence of my love for you. Of my grace. Of my forgiveness. Of my power. 

Will you waiver in your faith based on your circumstances or will you trust Me and the power that I possess, that I desire to display in and through you as you journey?

And two......."Do you believe that I am able?" 

Do you know that I can move the mountains and calm the sea? That I can make the lame walk and the blind see? That I can heal the diseased marriage and make well the diseased body? That I can put food in your pantry and bring forth money to pay the bills? 

Do you believe that I am able to do all this and more? Is your faith in me that strong?

He desires our response to be, as it was with these two blind men...."Yes, Lord."  (Matt. 9:28)

No hesitation. A posture of trust in the almighty God, above all else.

Is that my posture today? 

This last week was one marked again with uncertainty for us. 

The plan played out in the physical was not the plan that was formulated in my mind. 

We were able to get away for a couple of days to the Pocono Mts. here in Pennsylvania. My husband's brother and his wife had a timeshare they had reserved for the week. They invited us all to join them at the beginning of the week, with plans to ski on Tuesday. 

For Christmas, my in-laws so generously and graciously helped lease all of our children's ski equipment for the season. A sport that we have just recently ventured back into as a family, was going to be a reality for us again this year. 

On Tuesday, we spent the day at a local ski resort. Strength has been returning to my body and I was able to enjoy the day with the family. It was glorious, until around 4:30. 

My oldest two sons, Ben and Seth, were snowboarding at the terrain park on the mountain. We received a call around 4:30, that Ben had fallen while on a snowboarding rail. He was loaded in an ambulance and needed to be taken to the local hospital. 

What was certain, became uncertain. 

Snowmobile came and brought me to the ambulance. Seth was there, having witnessed the whole event. Barclay had to stay back with the smaller children, load them all up and hand them off to my brother in law, then making his way to the hospital.

The ambulance pulled away and I became numb. Ben wasn't himself. He was strapped to a board, laying in the back of the ambulance. Oxygen to his nose. Unable to remember what happened or any details from the last 30 days. The extent of the brain injury unknown in those moments. 

We spent the next 5 hours in the ER with Ben asking questions, answers given, and then 30 seconds later, the question asked again as the answers weren't remembered. Ben scared, not remembering facts that he should have know. Not knowing his age. Not knowing we just celebrated Christmas. Not knowing what he received. 

The shock from the last 5 hours settled in. And around 10:30PM, after Ben was transferred to Pediatrics, my husband staying behind to stay with Ben, I got in the car alone, traveling back to the house where we were staying.

And I cried out to the Lord on behalf of my son. I cried out for physical healing. For his memory to be restored. I cried out in fear, not knowing what laid ahead. I asked for His power to be made known. 

And God whispered to me the same question he has for months, "Stacy, do you believe I am able to do this? Do you trust Me? Do you believe that I am able to heal your son?" Do you trust me and the plans that I have for you and your family?"

And I responded, "Yes, Lord." No matter what you have, I trust you and know that you will walk us through. Please be gracious and merciful."

I slept fitfully Tuesday night, waking up continually. Praying. Falling back to sleep. Waiting for answers to come. My faith on the edge of belief and unbelief.

Ending 2010 with yet another hospital, another unknown. Another test of my faith. A strengthening. I was tired and weary and God knew, but still took me deeper. 

Wednesday, Ben awoke, restored. He still doesn't remember the accident, but the rest of His memory
has returned. 

As I continue to meditate on those few verses in Matthew and the question that Jesus asked of those blind men, and has been asking of me this year......I see how weak my faith can be. That I often desire an outward manifestation of the power of God. 

I want healing. I wanted it for my son. And I desire it for me. 

I know He is able. I believe in His character. But I want the tangible. I want to define the terms. 

God doesn't work that way. Sometimes the tangible is not what will make us stronger. We are too quick to give the power to something or someone else. To give the glory to another. 

As Jesus walked the streets of Galilee, He often displayed His power through healing. 

But even in physical healing, He was after more. He was after the heart of each person He healed.

He desired to bring healing to the inner places. He is more concerned with the inside than the outside. 

“to show that the Son of Man has power on earth of forgive sins.” (Matt. 9:6)

“Which is easier to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven you,’ or to say, ‘Arise and walk?”

When Jesus healed the paralytic.....He not only said ‘Your sins are forgiven, but in His grace and love, He said, ‘Arise and Walk.”

That is the God we serve. 

He desires to increase our faith. And He will do so at all costs, because our faith to Him, is more precious than gold. (1 Peter 1:7) Sometimes He grows it by displaying His power through the physical, but sometimes, it goes much deeper to the deep places of our hearts. 

We are often more concerned with the outside than the inside. We are the ones who have it backward. 

After Jesus was resurrected from the dead, Thomas doubted that He was alive. Thomas proclaimed that until he put his hands in Jesus side and saw his nail pierced hands, he wouldn’t believe. He needed to see it for himself. 

Jesus knows our weaknesses. He knows when we waiver. He stood before Thomas displaying His scars. Thomas believed.

But Jesus went on to say, “blessed are those who believe without seeing.”

As 2010 closed out, I reflected on how Jesus met me in my weaknesses this past year. How in my weakness, He was strong. He was powerful. That as I believed in HIM, that power was made manifest in my weakness. 

It is that power that we are held by. 

Sometimes that power is declared through physical healing. The grand display. The fireworks. The miracle. 

Other times, His power is displayed in the confines of our hearts and lived out in the midst of our physical disease: a diseased marriage, a diseased bank account, a diseased body. 

That in the midst of these circumstances, physical healing isn’t brought forth, but instead a life built on Jesus Christ, displaying His glory, displaying His power. Displaying His love.....in spite of the physical. 

That is healing. That is power.

In 2011, may we expect God to work without a whirlwind or a grand display announcing His power. 

May we expect God to work because we know He is more than able - because we know HIM!

And as He opened the eyes of those two blind men.....may He open our eyes, as well. 

Much love to you today and into 2011,
Stacy

Still

(Previously published January 4, 2011)

The appointments begin again.

Just as the calendar flips over to January and routine begins again....school, work, piano lessons, basketball practice....so too, do my cancer appointments creep back into my daily calendar activities.

Today, I was off to the 2nd radiation imaging appointment. The second appointment that maps out my body so to pinpoint the radiation to the exact spots.

The day didn't get off to a great start. I thought the appointment was at 10:30. Off I went traveling the 30 minutes to the hospital radiation oncology department. The appointment time had been changed in December, after there was a  hiccup in my first appointment. As I waited in the waiting room for my name to be called, my nurse emerged questioning why I was there......her book said I was suppose to be there at 2:00. 

Oops.  Not sure what happened. But back I went retracing the steps that lead me there only minutes before, only to retrace them once again in the afternoon.

Back home to teach Jed math and reading. Answer Science questions and photocopy Latin grammar forms so drill work could be completed. Worked through questions on couplet poetry with Luke. Corrected a writing paper. Made some lunch. Answered some emails. Talked with my oncologist's billing department to work through some bookkeeping errors....which worked in our favor...thank you Lord!

A day in the life of me.

1:30 and off I went again to the radiation office.

How quickly the patient hat comes back on and there I was laying yet again on the imaging table. This time in the treatment room. A room much colder than the cat scan room. My body lay upon the mold, holding my head to the side and my arms crossed and laid overhead, headphones nestled in my ears ready to whisk me to the throne of my Jesus, as the nurses and technicians milled around, adjusting the equipment, positioning and marking my body, instructing me not to move.

And in the stillness, eyes closed, they worked and I worshipped Jesus as the lyrics permeated my heart, bringing peace to my Spirit and a posture of praise and thanksgiving within....reminding me once again of God's sovereignty and love.

The lights went on and off as they worked, coming and going from the treatment room, behind closed doors, only to quickly sweep back in making adjustments to the machine that hung staring at me from the side. More positioning, more pointing, more whispers about what needed to be done.

My eyes would open to take in what was happening, only to quickly close and be transported back to the feet of Jesus. The surrounding were too much for me. I felt like an experiment that laid upon a table as 8 eyes peered over me, exposed once again. Nothing sacred or off limits.

It was cold and sterile, while the music filtering my years brought warmth and comfort. I needed to stay in that place.

My head began hurting as the mold wasn't holding me quite right. The hard cast was hitting the back of my skull. An ache set in. My arms had gone from tingling numbness to pain as they stayed clasp overhead.

I laid stationary knowing that movement would only hinder the progress.

Many songs into the imaging and I couldn't take it anymore. I quietly asked if I could just lift my head for a minute to alleviate the pressure.

They agreed, but said we would have to start over, from the beginning.

Relief, but for a few moments. Songs continued counting the minutes that ticked by.

And then she came back in, standing alongside the treatment table, next to the machine hanging from the ceiling. I asked if she would take the headphone out of my ear for a minute.....and then asked if we were almost done.

She began talking, then stopped to introduce herself, realizing that all along she had been working without even an introduction. I was just another patient in a time slot whose body came upon her screen. She said that we had some technical issues and for today, the process was complete, but I would need to return later in the week and redo all that had been done today.

Disbelief? Really.....we have to do it again? Today was for nothing. All the back and forth, an hour and a half on the treatment table and on Thursday afternoon I have to come back to lay through it once again?

I saw compassion fill her eyes as her demeanor softened and she helped me down from the table. She assisted me as I dressed and walked me out of the room.

We'll meet again in two days. I'm not looking forward to it.

It isn't a place I enjoy being. So much different than the chemo lounge. A more isolated atmosphere. A more lonely leg of the journey.

And maybe that is where God needs me right now. Alone. Hearing from Him in the stillness. Being quiet, so as to hear His whispers gently bring me along. Teaching this restless heart.

Going deeper, still. Building upon the foundation. The seed of His Word being richly and deeply planted within.....may the soil of my heart receive what he has for me in this season of tilling and sowing.

"Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!" Psalm 46:10

"The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever; Do not forsake the work of Your hands." Psalm 138:8

"....and in the wilderness where you saw how the Lord your God carried you, as a man carries his son in all the way that you went until you came to this place."  Deuteronomy 1:31

I will not grow weary or despair.....I will press on, I will press in, I will look up.  I will let Him carry me to the place I need to be....trusting Him along the way, knowing He is always with me. I will be still.

Much love,
Stacy

Stillness - Appointment #2 - Beauty

(Previously published January 7, 2011)

My final pre-radiation appointment went so well yesterday....I'll get to that in a minute....

Last night a couple of inches blanketed our area. There is something so beautiful and peaceful about waking up to snow covered surroundings. Surroundings yet untouched by the hand of man. 

White, clean, pure, graceful, intricate beauty. 

The hand of God. His beauty. His perfection laid out before us for our eyes and hands to behold. 

The children quickly took to the hands part. 

Not really enough snow to snow blow....so to the shovels they went....

shoveling the driveway....

stopping for a rest....

a little bit of fun.....

.....have I told you I love being a mother!

The kids are back in now. School underway. A quiet day lays before us....

I'm thankful for the quiet, even if but for a day.

Yesterday, God was indeed gracious and compassionate.

My same nurse greeted me in the radiation oncology waiting room with smiles, joking with me as she saw me in my wig (previously I've been in my winter hat - no wig), saying that I was trying to really confuse her this time.

We were off to a good start.  A light hearted mood took over the somewhat restlessness going on within.

The now familiar path from the lockers to the cabinet holding the gowns, to the dressing room and then waiting room quickly fell into my steps. No sooner had I turned the corner to the waiting room, and she was there bringing me back to the treatment room.

Monica met me upon entrance. She too, was joking with me about the long blond hair that had adorned my head just moments earlier and how it had changed my looks.....now removed,  the quickly growing peach fuzz told a different story. The story that I am living.  I told her it was my "I really don't have cancer" wig with a smile. 

A hat and a wig tell a much different story. Some days, I just don't want to be the "cancer patient" to the world and the wig gives me that option. There is much more behind that statement, as you can imagine.

The room was warm today. The chill that had occupied the room, now gone. Their touch was gentle, as both ladies helped me up to the treatment table, assisting me as my body was positioned just right. One on either side of me. As my head laid back into the body mold, they were attentive to my comfort, asking me if I was comfortable and how they could help. They grabbed for a folded sheet that they rested my head against, in the hopes that today, there would be no pain for the duration.

I felt like a person, not just a patient. Their words were kind. Their movements more relaxed.

My arms went overhead, my body grew still and once again, the headphones filtered praise music into my soul. My eyelids fell closed and peace washed over my body.

Ever so quietly, the nurse laid some towels over my arms, as previously, I had told them how cold I had become. Again, so attentive this time to my needs.

And as their job began, the filming, and imaging, as the lights went on and off and footsteps came and went....they did their best to keep me covered, under a thin sheet bringing warmth and shelter from the eyes that peered down.

I didn't feel exposed this time, I felt covered. Covered in God's love and grace. A blanket like no other.

The time passed more quickly. Pain, once again, began to permeate my arms, and this time my neck, as my head was held to the side. Tension would creep up through my body and at once I recognized it, I released it, allowing my body to relax in spite of the discomfort.

And I prayed. Asking God to bring me through. Thanking Him. Just sitting in His presence. Praying for a few sisters and friends that were that day in the midst of their own trials.

And it was at the foot of the cross that my current situation became insignificant and all that mattered was Him.

Worship and prayer have a way of doing just that. Putting our eyes and our hearts on what really matters most, Jesus Christ.

"You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever for in YAH, the Lord, is everlasting strength." Isaiah 26:3,4   

It is a favorite of mine. But in those words are strength, peace and power because in those words rests my Father. His heart and the very essence of who He is. Perfect peace and power. 

The imaging session came to a close. The right side of my chest had been marked and marked some more during those two sessions. Black sharpie marks mapped my body. 

The nurses came back in and once again, their words were coated with compassion. A few quick digital pictures had to be taken of the map they had drawn on me and then a few of those marks needed to become permanent....more tattoos....I think 5 or 6 of them this time. They wanted to put one up close to my neck, but I asked it there was an alternative....as that would forever be seen in the future for eyes other than my own. They agreed. For now, I get to wear this for the next 4 weeks. The dot is a painted on mark covered by a circular clear adhesive. We'll see how my skin does through treatment. If it gets irritated, a tattoo will be needed.  

Tuesday will begin the next leg of my breast cancer journey, the next door's threshold ready to be crossed. 28 days will mark this part of the journey. Monday through Friday treatments ending February 17th, if all goes well. Please pray as God brings me to mind, that my skin will be able to withstand the daily radiation dose with minimal side effects. That my body will remain strong and that God would use the radiation to accomplish His purposes in me. Thank you. I am more grateful than words can express.

Just as the snow this morning blanketed God's creation, so too, He blanketed me yesterday. I am rejoicing in His goodness today and the beauty that surrounds me.....by His hand.

Much love,
Stacy

Battle Cry

(Previously published January 10, 2011)

8 months into the battle and herein lies my cry.

When the battle had just begun I remember sitting in worship one Sunday morning as this song rang through the sanctuary. Voices and hands raised, together.

It was new to me that day. A worship song I had never heard before but the words so alive and real. I've been on the battleground before.  The words flooded through my mind and ran to the deepest parts of my heart.  My voice lifted with the rest.

The battle field laid before me and the opposing army was coming....the diagnosis still fresh, as a wound that has just been afflicted dripping drops of bright red blood. Breast cancer thronged in my ears. My surgery on the horizon and over that hill the landscape was unknown, but there was the enemy charging forth.

I stood. Armed in the power of His might ready to declare His name.

I remember many a Sunday the pull in my heart to be among God's people, worshipping together. Maybe, you too, can relate to this draw. As an army stands against the enemy collectively and yet, you too, stand individually. And together the power of God blankets His people and possess you.

The power is so strong. You can't deny it and are brought to your knees in a posture of praise and worship.

He alone is worthy. He alone is God. And because of Him, no weapon on this earth or in the hands of the enemy can be used to defeat the power that God possess.

Oh, the battle ensues and Satan tries to take us down bringing defeat to our minds. But in Him, there is no defeat. We are conquerors and co-heirs with Christ.

So we stand. We worship. And we fight in the power of His Truth. For Truth always defeats the lie.

This cancer will not have me because God does. That is the truth.  May this cancer be used to refine me that more of His Truth may be seen through me.

That is my battle cry. 

And on this battlefield, when the landscape is uncertain and the terrain unknown. I stand strong in my God who knows the hills and the valleys. Trusting that He will guide me through.

He has done that and more.

And this Sunday, as I sat surrounded by God's people, this battle cry rang out once again. The next phase of the battle dawning. Radiation begins tomorrow. My emotions laid just under the surface, ready to spring forth. They were hidden even from me. As the words spilled forth from my heart to my lips to the throne of God, so too, the tears came. Not tears of pain. Not tears of sorrow. Tears of triumph. Triumph for what He has already overcome and triumph for what is to come.

And I will bring praise. For no weapon formed against will prevail.

I will rejoice. I will declare.

God is my victory and He is here.

"Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and the power of His might." Eph. 6:10

This is my prayer in the desert

when all that’s within me feels dry

This is my prayer in my hunger and need

My God is the God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire

In weakness or trial or pain

There is a faith proved of more worth than gold

So refine me Lord, through the flame.

And I will bring praise. I will bring praise.

No weapon formed against me shall remain.

I will rejoice. I will declare.

God is my victory and He is here.

This is my prayer in the battle

When triumph is still on its way

I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ

So firm on His promise I’ll stand

I will bring praise. I will bring praise.

No weapon formed against me shall remain.

I will rejoice. I will declare.

God is my victory and He is here.

All of my life in every season you are still God

I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship.

I will bring praise. I will bring praise.

No weapon formed against me shall remain.

I will rejoice. I will declare.

God is my victory and He is here.

This is my prayer in the harvest

when favor and providence flow

I know I’m filled to be emptied again

the seed I’ve received I will sow. 

Much love,

Stacy

Radiation Update - 1st Vlog - 2 Timothy 4:17

(Previously published January 17, 2011)

Last week proved to be a busy week as I adjusted to adding radiation treatments to my daily schedule. So, sorry for the silence this last week. A lot of newness and change was added, not just for me, but my husband and children.  This is my first attempt at posting a vlog, and that too, proved to be a learning curve and a test of my patience as I learned how to upload it!! I am not a technical person, and we don't have a video camera, so I attempted using my laptop's webcam....I don't think I'll do this very often, but thought it would be a quick and more personal way to let you all know how my new treatment was going....and you get to see my new hair....probably more exciting for me than you...but thought I'd share! 

Thanks so much for your ongoing prayers! God is faithful and continues to carry us each step of the way. Much love to you all! 

Here we go.....:) 

In An Instant....

(Previously published January 19, 2011)

Last night, I was reading the updates on a mother, wife and sister in Christ, Joanne. Somehow, I ended up on her blog, having never been introduced to her before, I lingered for awhile reading of all that she has endured these last 8 days.  She needs our prayers. On Jan. 12th, this 38 year old woman, suffered a massive stroke. She is in the ICU in a medicated-induced coma, following brain surgery to release the pressure that built up in her brain. Her future uncertain.

And it all happened in an instant.....

One minute she was fine and the next...found by her daughter on the floor shaking violently. 911 called and life forever changed.

In an instant.

Her story runs deep to my core for many reasons. You see, that was my mother, 36 years ago and the girls who were with her when her stroke occurred: Me, age 3 and my older sister, age 6 1/2. My memory is fuzzy because I was a wee little one. But I remember spilling the milk. I remember my mom was waiting for my dad to come home from work. I remember the room. I remember mom on the couch, I remember my dad walking in the door.....and then from there......nothing. A blank screen.

My mother was pregnant with my little sister, at the time of her stroke. My mom was taken to the hospital suffering a massive brain aneurysm. My sister, Tasha,  delivered by c-section, a healthy woman today. I was sent to live with my Aunt Kay who became my mother for that year, and in many ways has filled that role in the years since.

Life as we knew it changed forever.......in an instant. 

A family of 4 changed to a family of 5....geographically split for the 6+ months that my mother was in the hospital. When she came home, nurses frequented the house, an aunt lived with us and then a nanny took over many of the mothering duties. Mom was in a wheelchair for a long time having been left with left side paralysis and diminished brain function.  Those memories of my childhood are framed by pictures and photographs, stories told and retold. They aren't my own.

Those days gone from my memorybank. 

And then our family of 5 went back to a family of 4, as my parents divorced and my mother went on to raise us girls by herself. She fought the uphill battle, beating the odds. She walked, when doctors said she wouldn't. Many years later, she drove, when again, doctor's said it wouldn't happen. And she sacrificed everything for us girls, doing the best that she knew how.

I don't know what Joanne's story will be. Only God does. I pray her recovery defies the odds and she is healed and restored. God can do that, and more.

But what I know is that we are not promised tomorrow.

"All flesh is as grass, And all the glory of man as a the flower of the grass.
The grass withers,
And its flower falls away,
But the Word of the LORD endures forever." 1 Peter 1:24-25

"Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that." James 4:13-15

In an instant.....
life can be changed......

....a son is born prematurely as his mother's life hangs in the balance.

....the doctor tells you your son has a random, fatal genetic condition and he will either die while still growing within or may live for hours following his birth, at most.

....my sister's husband of 20 years, shares that his interests lie in others areas....areas that don't include her.

.....my mother goes for a walk and gets hit by a car from behind, suffering another brain injury.

.....the doctor calls and says, "the pathology came back showing cancer."

And the lens is polished and shined as you come to look at the future differently, and look at each moment as a gift because life as you know it, can change in an instant.

We all have our "instants."

So, how are you living your todays?

Are you loving deeply..... telling those around you that they matter?

Are you investing in people or in things?

Are you harboring unforgiveness and bitterness or are you pursuing peace and reconciliation?

Are you saying you'll do it tomorrow......or embracing your today?

Are you living for your self, or living for God, the very one who put that breath in your lungs?


And if that instant of change comes along your path.....do you have a hope outside of this life? A faith in He who endures forever?

Do you know that Christ came to give you life.....eternal life....an inheritance that is incorruptible?

An inheritance that waits for you, as does He. He won't push Himself on you. He isn't that way.

But He waits. As a patient Father. As a loving Father. As your Redeemer.....for you.....

"Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and you will be saved..." Acts 16:31

May we all live as if today is our last day. No regrets. Secure in the arms of our Lord and Savior. 

Please pray for Joanne and her family, that God would give them many, many tomorrows. 

Much love,

Stacy

We Played Hooky.....

(Previously published January 22, 2011)

....one of the beauties that blanket homeschooling. I love the flexibility it affords. And some much needed family time.

Early in the week, the weatherman was forecasting some snow for our area. Not a lot, but enough to get us excited about hitting the slopes, once again. To add to that beauty, a good friend blessed us with a handful of free lift tickets to a new favorite ski spot close by. We played the wait and see game, waiting to see it the snow would actually come (you know those weatherman have been known to be wrong), and to see if my husband's calendar stayed open for that day. It did.

The only hiccup was my scheduled radiation. You can't easily play hooky from cancer. It has a way of showing up and staying around, and permeating every aspect of life. As the week wore on, I discussed this with my radiation nurses, whom I might add, I have grown to love. We joke. We laugh together each day. Our lives are becoming connected. Cancer does that. A beauty of the disease. A beauty that I love, as I am a connected person. I actually look forward to seeing them everyday. Crazy, I know.

Ok, I digress. Too many thoughts stirred up in my head.

I asked the nurses if I could change my time on Friday from 1:45 to early morning, telling them that we were going to try to take the kids skiing. They willingly obliged. On Thursday, as the snow seemed imminent, we discussed through Friday morning's treatment, as the snow was due to arrive overnight. It would make for a slippery ride to the Radiation Oncology Dept. in the early morning hours.  Testing the waters, I asked what would happen if I missed a day? Would that be ok? And they said the day would just get added on to the end. With that information, and the above pieces creating a beautiful picture..... I did in fact play hooky and off to the slopes we went.

I have a lot of momma guilt that I have been dealing with lately. That I should be doing more. Being more present when I can. More engaged. And the daily stress of leaving each day for treatment, begins to wear on us all. It is hard. This round of treatment presses in on all fronts of daily home life, unlike chemo, where you got a "normal week" between bi-weekly treatments. Both sides are beasts with different names. And then I come home from treatment and just feel tired. And the selfish me rears its ugly head, as all I want to do is crawl into bed and shut everything out for just a little while and rest, decompress, close my eyes.

I haven't found the balance just yet.

And so, Friday, I put it all aside, and off to the slopes we went. Not that I'll make a habit of doing this, but yesterday, it felt good and the kids thanked us as we drove home at the end of the day.

On a side note, midway into the day, Seth came back to the ski lodge saying his head hurt, his body ached and his belly wasn't quite right. He put two chairs together and laid in the lodge for the afternoon. We left early in the evening because he just wasn't feeling well. He awoke in the night and thankfully made it to the bathroom just in time.  The stomach bug has officially invited itself into our home. I pray no one else gets hit with it.

A Different Point of View

(Previously published January 27, 2011)

"But from God's point of view....." Romans 4:2 (NLT)

A few weekends ago, I asked my husband if he would kindly use his mighty strong arms and help me change the master bedroom around. This was not an unusual request, as moving furniture around is a commonplace at our home. It began in my childhood, as my mother would come into my "shared" bedroom and just sigh as the bed moved from location to location. It didn't go over well, when I made a line of demarcation down the center of my bedroom, separating my side from my little sister's. The furniture line that yelled, "Do not cross." Not a highlight of my furniture moving days, but one that is laughed about now.

But you see the point. I like change and sometimes that change comes in just moving around the furniture. My husband has grown to appreciate this love of mine, as it saves us lots of money. A piece of furniture becomes completely new when it is moved from one corner to the next or from room to room. No new furniture is needed, just a repositioning of the old. A new vantage point to take in the surroundings.

And new vantage points are good, for they give us a different point of view. A new perspective. New appreciation.

As I was vacuuming our bedroom earlier this week, I looked around the room, taking in the new bed placement. Scanning the long wall that once held our bed and now stands tall behind the dresser. The pictures were repositioned and the room seems so much larger. I smiled to myself, pleased with the new arrangement. The old became new once more. My eyes took in a whole new surrounding. New possibilities were opened up.

And it got me thinking about God, as much of life does. That often in our walk with Him, we can have a one track, never tested, never tried point of view. A selfish, "Me" point of view. Saying this is just how I was raised. I believe this or that about God because that is what I've been told. But we don't go to His Word, open it and dig into Him ourselves allowing Him to change our thinking with His Truths.  We settle for the arrangement of the furniture and constantly buy new things to fill the open spaces of our hearts. We put Him in a box and put our lives in the box with Him, saying this is as good as it is going to get. This is all He has for me.  There is no hope. And sometimes,  through a particular "arrangement", all we see is fog. We settle, looking inward, instead of outward and upward, instead of living fully the life God has planned for us.

Often our point of view is what needs to be changed. God doesn't change. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. We need to change and sometimes, the surroundings need to change for the heart to be opened and able to receive. For the eyes to be focused on something different. Ultimately on Him and not ourselves.

Moses needed this. Born in Egypt and raised as an Egyptian Prince, he fled to Midian where he spent 40 years as a shepherd in the desert. Yes, the Arabian desert was where God needed him so He could  do some major heart surgery. Where Moses' grand vision of helping his people faded into a distant memory as he grows more humbled by the passage of time and the harshness of the desert. It is where God spoke to Moses in the burning bush. Where God called Moses to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. Where Moses accepted God's call. God was there. And from here, Moses went back to Egypt, seeing a scene completely different after his encounter with God. Moses becomes a deliverer.

God did the same with Paul. As Paul traveled to Damascus, there he was met on that road, by God. His scene was greatly interrupted. Paul planned on going to Damascus and dragging the believing Jews back to Jerusalem and persecuting them for their faith in Christ.  God had different plans. Instead, God was going to move around some furniture and change perspective. Do some major heart work. Blinded by God, Paul was taken to Damascus, and as the veil of lies fell off his eyes and heart by the hand of God,  he would go on and preach Jesus Christ to the Gentiles, but first he, too, spent a few years in the Arabian Desert. (Gal. 1:17,18). A new point of view. Paul became a writer and missionary sold out for Christ.

We all need our vantage points changed from time to time. A new point from which we take in the view.  And from that new point, often comes a new, deeper perspective. Clarity. Focus. Movement. Direction.

And it is that point that we view from that often needs rearranging. The interior furniture. From an "it's all about me point of view" to "it's all about Him and for Him point of view."

Sometimes that change has to come about in the desert. Sometimes along the road. Sometimes in suffering. If we are lucky, it happens on the mountain....or maybe a combination of them all. Right now, for me, it has been through cancer where God is doing some rearranging. 

Either way, the point of view affects all tentacles of life. It makes us useful, or useless. It impacts relationships. It impacts our faith. It impacts marriage. It impacts parenthood. It impacts life. But most importantly, it impacts our relationship with Jesus Christ. 

And it opens up new possibilities. Moses lead the Israelites to freedom. Paul saw thousands of lives changed by the power of the Holy Spirit. Suffering becomes joy. Ashes become beauty. Bondage becomes freedom.



And in my little corner of my bedroom.....a little nook was found that always was there, yet undiscovered. That nook now holds a chair (from the family room) and a small side table (again, from the family room), and has become my spot to curl up and be quiet before the Lord.  And the room has taken on a whole new appearance with new uses. A whole new point of view.
 

May we all yield to God's rearranging. Knowing that with the rearranging comes whole new possibilities!

Much love,
Stacy

The Small Things

(Previously published January 29, 2011)

The season turns colds. 

The harsh winter winds blow in slowly, yet steadily, calling for its companion. 

Snow falls blanketing the hard, frozen ground underneath. 

It lingers.

Covered. 

Beautiful white, yet barren.

Pruned.

The life that existed before, is no longer. 

The vibrant green, turned a rustic orange and red. 

Fragile. 

Then gone. 

Leaving a stark piece of wood in its place. 

The dead of winter. Literally and figuratively.

Resting. Waiting. Hopeful. Tired.

The hour unknown. But expectation looms.

And then, a teeny, tiny glimpse of what lies ahead. 

Maybe only a glimpse. But it is there. 

Newness.

Life.

Change.

Vibrant.

Beauty.

The work of the hand of the all mighty Creator.

Whispering.....

"Don't despair. I'm working behind the scenes."

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is NEW creation; old things have passed away, behold, ALL things have become NEW." 2 Corinthians 5:17

"And these wineskins which we filled were new, and see, they are torn; and these our garments and our sandals have become old because of the very long journey." Joshua 9:13

"For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven, And do not return there, But water the earth, and make it bring forth and bud, That if may give seed to the sower and bread to the eater." Isaiah 55:10

The snow lays even still. 

But the bud, it is trying to peak forth. 

Yeah, but the small things in which I will rejoice. 

From two sparse lashes, to enough to curl. Yes, the small, but oh so significant. 

You see on the outside the work being done on the inside. 

Blessed be HIS name. 

Endurance - Half way through radiation

(Previously published February 1, 2011)

We've hit the next milestone. Day 14 of 28 radiation treatments.  Half way through this next phase of treatment and nearing the end of the medical fight against this beast. The arsenal of conventional medicine almost exhausted: surgery, chemo, radiation and then 2 final reconstruction surgeries waiting.

10 months in...... and the fatigue is taking its toll.

To say I am tired, would be inadequate.

Radiation has brought forth a fatigue that permeates my everyday. I wake with it. I walk around with it. I carry it to treatment and then it carries me home.

Within the last couple of days, the remaining energy seems to have evaporated leaving behind an overall loss of strength. It isn't a sleepy tired. It is a "just want to lay down and do nothing" kind of feeling.

And if you know me, that is so not me.

This past Sunday, while I was at church, a sweet friend came up to me to say hi and see how I was doing. She was quite intuitive, as she hugged me and saw something in me signaling my fragility. She grabbed my hand and asked if I was all right. In that moment, I wasn't. My body was worn. The free radicals from the radiation cursing through my body causing my body to wave the white flag of surrender. And the tears gently fell across my cheeks as she hugged me tighter whispering a prayer in my ear.

The strength from the hand of the Almighty ushered in through a faithful saint. Just when I needed it. He was there, and she became the vessel of His power.

Here I lay in bed tonight. After retreating here throughout the day.  And I opened my Bible searching for His Words to comfort me and once again, today, give me the strength I need to press on in Him.

To endure. To withstand. To continue on.

Not just putting my head down and plowing through, but truly resting in Him.

I'm struggling with that right now, the resting solely in Him part. As I wake up late, my time spent with Him is shorter, not always first in the morning, as the children seem to quickly rise up with needs and questions. The daily duties and responsibilities pressing in, as I watch the clock knowing that I must leave the house within a few short hours to make the trek to my daily radiation treatments. A few hours gone from each day. Just the daily coming and going has become exhausting. 

And then when I get home, my body cries out for rest. All I want to do is crawl into bed.

But the activity around me often calls louder than my body's cries for rest and so those are pushed down, as the needs around me are met.

14 more days to go. It seems like forever.

And so tonight, as I looked to His Word for nourishment and strength.  He brought me to Hebrews 12.

There I read of running this race of faith with endurance.  A race that has been "set before me," by Christ. Even that resonates within my soul. He has set this journey before me and He is there guiding me, sustaining me and strengthening me.

"....Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us,

 and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us," Hebrews 12:1

Endurance: 

 - characteristic of a man who is not swerved from his deliberate purpose and his loyalty to faith 

and piety by even the greatest trials and sufferings

-a patient, steadfast waiting for, enduring, perseverance

These aren't new words to me. My eyes have beheld them many times before.

And we see the key to endurance in verse 2:

"looking unto Jesus, the author and the finisher of our faith, who for the JOY set before Him endured the cross..."

What hit me in a new way tonight was the start of verse 3:

"For consider Him who endured...."

Herein lies the solution.

Considering Him, when often what I want to do is "consider ME."

But what I often fail to think, is that Christ did in fact consider Me and that is why He endured.

Christ endured.

He endured the cross knowing that there was purpose and there would be fruit. For without the cross there would be no salvation. Without the cross there would be no forgiveness. Without the cross there would be no eternal life.

Christ knew. And so with joy He endured the pain. The scourging. The shame. The torture.  The physical exhaustion. He knew that journey from Bethlehem to Calvary had been set before Him by the loving hand of His Father. With purpose.

Our journeys are no different.

And so refreshed from the life giving words of Christ, I endure because in enduring there is purpose and there will be fruit.

My eyes will be directed to Him. Seeking daily His purpose. Seeking daily His strength. Seeking daily His peace. Seeking Him.

Knowing that this breast cancer journey has been set before me by His loving hand.

The physical fatigue is real. And God sees it and understands it. And by His grace He will bring me through it.

I celebrate today that another leg of the journey is almost complete. One step closer today....to the finish line.

Thanks again, for coming along with me on this journey.

Much love,
Stacy

Faith or Fear Vlog

(Previously published February 13, 2011)

So, I'm trying this thing again....this vlog thing. Bear with me as this is a bit outside my comfort zone and  for some reason during the uploading process the voice doesn't match the words. Have I told you I am technically challenged! It might be that I am using my computer webcam to record instead of a video camera.

I can't believe it has been over a week since I have shared with you all. There is so much going on in my heart right now. I hope to share more in the days to come as I near the end of the radiation leg of this journey. Who hoo, this door is almost closed!

Thanks so much for stopping by!  Praying God encourages your heart on the road that has been set before you. Please let me know how I can be praying for you.

Much love,
Stacy

Word of God Speak - Part 1

(Previously published February 20, 2011)

Tuesday came with much anticipation....and a bit (ok a lot) of house cleaning in preparation. About a month ago, my Aunt Kay called and asked if she could come and spend a few days with us, as my radiation was beginning. We looked at our calendars trying to work out the days and both of our schedules and a forecasted snow storm prohibited our time together. A later date was put on the calendar, one that worked for us all and one that would mark the final days of radiation. She would be able to be the hands and feet for my tired body, and she would be able to walk the steps with me that my feet have traveled daily for 20 some days. I was thrilled to be able to share this leg of the journey with her.

She walked through the door around lunchtime on Tuesday, cleaning cloth still in my hands and quickly jumped into our daily routine and life, making lunch for the kids as I hurried off to shower and get ready for that day's radiation treatment.

One day closer to the door closing, the chapter ending and cancer treatment being behind me. A door that I am having trouble closing. A threshold that you would think I would be running full steam across, but instead feel tethered to a harness, holding me back. Like I am swimming upstream, wanting to reach the end, but unable...tired, sore and restless....characterize my going forward, and yet somehow, I make few strides in that direction.

And it is there that I have been this last week somewhere in the midst of faith and fear. Kay has been a much needed distraction, a helping hand, a dose of laughter, a special gift.... offering words of encouragement, loving arms, an open heart and reminders to surrender: A favorite word for she and I. A word that God has been speaking to my heart for many, many years. A word that she christened me with  almost 3 years ago, following our attendance at the Rochester Women of Faith. As we attended together with some other special women in my life, my sisters included. The platform for many deep conversations. Little did I know at the time, how God was using that time not only with her, but also my sisters and grandmother, to deepen relationships, chisel away things from the past and push forward in healing some deep hurts, while at the same time, preparing me for what 2010 would hold...breast cancer.

A few weeks after the conference ended, a special package arrived in the mail, its contents as meaningful as the one who gave it....my Aunt Kay. Nestled inside a creamy white ceramic pitcher were tokens of remembrance from our time together that weekend, and the deeper messages that God had for our lives and our hearts.

"It is with a full heart, filled with love, that I give you this pitcher, capturing the memory of our incredible experience we shared, offering tools to keep us all remembering what we need to do, to survive and blossom."

....a pair of glasses to keep a clear vision of what you need to do, 

....lens cleaner for when they get foggy and need cleaning

...notepaper to write down those important ideas, fears, hopes, issues

....a mirror for you to see those traits, strengths and weaknesses

....Kleenex to dry the inevitable tears

....mints for when your breath needs calming 

....The "church lady" with raised arms, to remind us to raise our arms to God in prayer and praise

...a telephone to call each other for support, to share, to listen, cry or celebrate

...a worded stone...

My word.....surrender. 

Little did she know that it is a word that God had been speaking to my heart since I could remember.  A word that held more significance than she knew. A word on a rock, a polished stone....that in Christ alone, I can surrender all. Outside of Him....nothing. And that as I surrender, He makes me that polished stone for Him. What was significant then, in the Spring of 2008, has become that much more significant today, 2011. And here I am once again, at those crossroads, will I walk over this next threshold with fear or will I walk in faith, surrendering my future days, my future breaths, all the uncertainty that lies within treatment ending and the waiting to see if cancer will return...the unknowns, the fear that can easily sweep into my mind holding me back from fully crossing the threshold....whole. 

Today, will I surrender my fears, my future, my what ifs, my life to the God of the heavens? The sovereign one with whom there are no accidents. With whom truth gives way, shining its light on the very core of my fears. With whom His very Word, that which we can hold in our fingertips, and take into the inner places of our beings.....

brings hope, love, truth, comfort, encouragement, courage, forgiveness, healing, strength and endurance...and the ability to surrender to Him. 

These precious reminders were all tucked neatly inside a hand chosen ceramic pitcher. 

"Take these deeds, both this purchase deed which is sealed and this deed which is open, and put them in an earthen vessel, that they may last many days." Jeremiah 32:14

The reminder through Jeremiah that restoration of the land was certain. It would be possessed again by the Jews. They would return to their land. 

Kay said...."And all is contained in the memory of the visual of the white pitcher....of our fractured, imperfect lives made whole and beautiful by God's love, blessing and forgiveness shining through."

As I pulled my pitcher out of the package, two pieces fell back into the box. 

My pitcher had arrived broken. The handle cracked in two places. I smiled at the imagery. God wasn't finished with me. I didn't know then, what I know now....no one can but God. 

Kay was beside herself, apologizing profusely. 

I just smiled and reassured her, all was well....it would be a constant reminder of the unfinished work of God in my life.....I was still in His hands being made whole. 

I placed the pitcher up on the shelf sitting over my desk in the office.

A constant reminder of the work of the cross. The work of master Potter....my life His masterpiece. 

(Kay had asked Barclay on Thursday to glue the handle back on)

Kay joined me and Barclay on Wednesday, as I had my first follow up appointment with my Medical Oncologist. My "chemo" doc. It was the first time seeing her since chemo ended back in December. I wanted Kay there. She, too, having had breast cancer 16 years ago. She would think of questions we had missed, be another set of ears. 

My oncologist greeted us with smiles and proceeded to get the results of my blood work. Within a few minutes, I learned that my white count is still low, under the normal range. Immediate fear swept over my body as the questions poured into my head. My oncologist seemed unconcerned and verbalized just that. Still, I couldn't move past the new information. The appointment continued as we discussed Tamoxifen...a pill that will be added to my daily intake beginning next week. A pill that will encapsulate my breast cells prohibiting estrogen to enter in. A pill that I will be on for 5 years that will catapult my body even further into menopause with all the lovely side effects. 

And yet, my mind couldn't get off of the low white count. 

Stacy....will you surrender to ME? Will you continue to trust ME? Will you? 

Kay left on Thursday afternoon, after my radiation treatment. As we hugged and kissed farewell, she got in her car and said, "Remember your word.....SURRENDER"

I arrived home shortly thereafter. The house was quiet as the children were all at a friends. As I walked into the office, there on my desk sat a new, creamy white, unbroken....ceramic pitcher....with a note on top.

"I always felt bad that your vessel arrived broken ~ you deserve to have a perfect vessel to hold your tools."

And the tears welled up as they freely fell upon my cheeks. This side of heaven, I will never have a "perfect vessel." After cancer treatment comes to an end, there will be other tryings, other pressings, more refining, more lessons to learn, more brokenness.  But the King of kings and the Lord of Lords will heal the brokenness. He will bring faith where there was fear. He will speak words of Truth, shining His magnificent light into all areas and then out through the cracks that He has mended, I pray He shines...if I would only surrender to His mighty Hand, trusting Him fully.

It is a choice. A daily choice. And the irony that that is right where God had me this past week...faith versus fear. Choosing Him and His Truth....or choosing me and my circumstances.

"Arise and go down to the potter's house, and there I will cause you to hear My words." Then I went down to the potter's house, and there he was, making something at the wheel. And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter, so he made it again into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to make." Jeremiah 18:2-4

"But now, O LORD, you are our Father; We are the clay, and You our potter; And all we are the work of Your hand." Isaiah 64:8

God gave me a glimpse of what He desires me to be.....a vessel for his honor. A vessel fit for the Master's use. A vessel marked by the healing brought only by my Father's hand.

The events of Tuesday through Thursday were divinely orchestrated. Each moment, as He knew. He knew what I would struggle with. He knew what I needed to be reminded. He knew.....as He knows the beginning from the end. 

And as I taught on Thursday, at our ladies Bible Study.....that there are no accidents with God. There is no darkness in Him. In Him is light. He is the revealer of all things secret.....just as with Daniel and Nebuchadnezzar....God had an eternal kingdom to show Neb, Daniel, and all those in Babylon....and He had intimate truths to share at the same time to each one of them. The big picture and the little picture. He cares about it all, is over it all and through it all.  And just as the Neb's dream and its interpretation were certain and sure (Daniel 2:45), so too is God....certain and sure.

And He kept asking....Stacy, will you just surrender.....as my faith and my fears kept colliding, as a pendulum swings back and forth. Monday marks the end of radiation and the crossing over into life after treatment. The treatment door swings closed. Two more reconstruction surgeries to go....but no more treatment. A waiting, as 5 years is the magic number for recurrences. A getting on with it, with life, with living and my emotions need to get in line with my faith.  Where uncertainty in the physical needs to rest in the certainty in the Spiritual...in who God is. Not just a passing through, but a true resting. He is certain and sure. Nothing else is. But in Him is where I need to be planted, firmly and securely. In Him there is no fear. 

He had more for me.....more that He unveiled on Friday....as my heart sought Him deeply.....

Aunt Kay and I at my Grandmother's 90th birthday celebration, June 2009.

Part 2 later....until then....

Much love,
Stacy

Word of God Speak - Part 2

(Previously published on February 21, 2011)

(sorry this is a long one...so much to share on the morning of my last radiation treatment....)


Friday was ushered in with a quiet anticipation. It would be day 27 of my 28 days of treatment. But even more exciting....a close friend was having a c-section that morning welcoming their 10th child into this world. My heart awoke that morning with her before me, as throughout the morning, I brought her before God's throne. This was her first c-section. A lot of uncertainty for her. A new experience. But a solid faith and trust in God Almighty.

For me, a sign of new life from the hand of God. New breath. New joy. New sounds. A springing forth.

Child number 10 for them....month number 10 for me. The end and a beginning.

I waited anxiously by the phone to hear the news, checking my computer a few times to see if their children had emailed. By 10:30 I couldn't wait any longer and called to hear that a sweet, healthy baby boy was born. All were doing well.

Thank you, Lord for the life that you give us. The life in the physical....but even more, life eternal through your Son, Jesus Christ. A dying for the purpose of living.  His life for ours. Bought at a price.

Worth the pain.

Worth the agony.

Worth the wait.

The day continued on, as each day does. Barclay had work commitments that prohibited him from coming to treatment that day. In the afternoon, off I went stopping along the way to drop Faith off at Preschool and then onto radiation.

And the pendulum continued swinging as my mind went to the getting on with life, while laying down the fears that the "getting on with" encompassed. Wanting in some strange way to just stay in this place a little longer because the "getting on with" it means waiting. The "getting on with it" means questions remain unanswered. "The getting on with it" means trusting God at the deepest level I have ever experienced. Will I live to see my children get older? Will I suffer at the hand of this disease? Will my husband grow old without me by his side?

Will I trust God with it all?

My head knows all the Bible verses. This isn't my first testing. It is one of many. And what I have found is that God uses each one to carve out fear deeper and deeper so that the word of God may be implanted in its place. A heart surgery of sorts....not laproscopy, not catheterization, but true open heart surgery.

But head knowledge isn't enough. Hence the surgery. Hence the walking it out. The testing.

You know faith isn't stagnant. You are either walking forward, standing still, or falling backward.

I want to move forward. And so my heart needs to align with my head. The Truths that I know, as I live them out.

There is a quote in the movie Shawshank Redemption that says, "You either get busy living, or you get busy dying."

I want to be busy living.

Later that afternoon, I called my friend to see if I could stop by for a visit. So desiring to see her. To encourage her in her recovery, after having 6 c-sections myself.

My husband took the kids off to their basketball practices, and I made my way up to the hospital, alone.

As I was driving, the Christian radio station I was listening to lost reception. As the garbled voices and music filtered through the speakers, I felt around for the stash of worship CD's that I knew my husband had somewhere in his car. One lone CD was felt behind the driver's seat, as I quickly grabbed for it, while trying to keep the car in the right lane.

I slipped it into the CD player. Praises poured through the speakers, clearly now. But my mind was in a different place. The words fell on closed ears as my mind bounced around with thoughts of the future.

I arrived at the hospital as darkness had descended. It was a hospital I hadn't frequented and the layout unknown. I eventually found the parking garage and then navigated through a myriad of walkways and doorways, more hallways until the elevator stood in front of me and I crossed into the maternity ward and then into her room.

We had a sweet time of fellowship. And her baby, simply divine. There was peace. The beauty of God's creation. All things made new.

As I left the hospital, reflecting on God's goodness. Once again on life. I made my way back through the maze of vacant hallways and doorways. The hospital closing down for the night, I turned into the parking garage foyer and there coming down a stairwell was my friend's oldest daughter. Distraught as she had just spent the last 30 minutes trying to find her way through the maze. Frustrated and tired after a long day.

Knowing the trouble I had finding the way, I asked her if I could lead her back to her mom. Together we  quietly walked the steps leading to the elevator and up to the second floor. As we walked I pointed out the landmarks so that on her way back, she would know she was going in the right direction. The signs pointing the way were hard to notice. You really had to walk with your eyes open, looking for signs marking the way. But they were there.

We said good-bye and once again the steps retraced. Only this time, my mind went to the beautiful picture it was of our walk with God. Of trusting that He will lead us to the end location. His ending. He gives us the landmarks. He gives us His Word to direct us. He gives us access to the throne of God to talk to the Father. He sets up the signposts and is the lamp. If only we would walk with eyes open to Him.  The road is often uncertain. The path winding. But He will lead, if we will follow.

I got in my car to travel home with a peace in my heart.

The air outside was still tinged with the warmth of the day. The thermometer had inched into the 70's, temperatures uncharacteristic for February in the northeast.

I glided the window down as I pulled out onto the road. I turned the volume dial on the radio and the CD from earlier flooded my ears, penetrating my heart.

I was ready to receive.

And this song came forth.....Mercy Me's "Word of God Speak"

Finding Myself
at a loss for words
and the funny thing is, it's ok

The last thing I need
is to be heard
but to hear
what YOU would say

Word of God speak
Would you pour down like rain
washing my eyes to see, your Majesty
to be still and KNOW
You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest in your Holiness
Word of God speak

Finding Myself
in the midst of YOU
beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need
is to be with YOU
and in the quiet
hear YOUR voice
Word of God Speak.....

Finding myself
at a loss for words
and the funny thing is, it's ok

I hit repeat and turned it up louder as I sang those words from the very core of my heart. Hearing this song long before. Knowing the words, well. But tonight a whole new meaning. They were words that I said in Truth. Not just lyrics. But my lyrics. The song of my heart sung to the heart of my God.

And the tears fell unabandoned, surrendered to Him alone.

Please, Lord, speak.

Give me a Word.

Show me You are in this place with me.

I have no words.

I am desperate to hear from you.

I am listening.

I got home and sat down at my computer, ready to write down all that God was speaking to me. I didn't want to lose this moment. Didn't want to forget for a minute.

But the kids walked through the door, moments later. A movie in hand asking me to join them for family movie night.

A tug of war....the kids wanted me....I shut the computer and snuggled next to them on the couch as God brought the day to a close.

Saturday morning, I awoke early and came down to the office to be with my Jesus and journal from the day before.

I opened my computer, as my email quickly filled my inbox. As I scanned the contents, there was an email from my sister in law. She had posted something on my FB wall.

She and I don't communicate often that way. I love her deeply, as I know she does me, but we don't talk very often. I was curious.

I opened the email. And here was the content:

Stephanie wrote:
"Hey Stacy, while I was praying on Thursday night with our praise team, I silently lifted your name up and God immediately instructed me to share a message with you.  


As clear as day these words rang in my head: "tell her to continue to trust in me". 

Sorry for the delay, I hope you are doing well and hanging in there. Know that we love you and are here if you need anything.  Hope we can get the family together again soon-"


I started bawling. 


I asked God for a Word. I asked God to show me He was in this place with me. And He did. 


He knew the moment that I would need those words of encouragement. He knew the preparation that was needed that I would receive. My sister in law, the messenger with a message from God to Me. 


God knows. He cares about the big picture, but He cares about the intimate details of our lives.

He is real. He is present. He is bigger than our little minds can comprehend.

"Tell her to continue to trust in Me."

Life giving words.

And today, as I walk through those radiation doors for the last time His Words will ring through my ears and into my heart as He blankets me with His love and Holy presence.

"Washing my eyes to see, your Majesty
to be still and know
You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest in your Holiness....."

Word of God Speak.
 

"I am the door. If anyone enters by Me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture. 

The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill and to destroy. 

I have come that you may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.  

I am the good shepherd. 

The good shepherd gives His life for the sheep." John 10:9-11


Much love today,
Stacy