A Note From Stacy's Sister

(Previously published September 24, 2010)

greetings everyone! writing to you today is stacy's sister, tasha. i've hijacked her blog for a post to share something exciting.

first, i will tell you that stacy is doing well. she sat in the chemo chair again this week and is responding better than she has in past weeks. she is feeling tired, but has more energy than she has with prior treatments. every little bit counts, right? praise God for this!

now, on to my announcement- this saturday i am running in a 10k to raise funds for stacy. you can follow my story (if you so choose) by tuning in to www.diaryofasuburbanmomma.blogspot.com. i will be running at 9:00am (pacific time) and would love it if you would join me by praying for me as i run. i'm not a runner by nature, so i'm going to need God's strength to carry my little legs to the finish.

you can also support this run (and directly support stacy) by donating to "the betties"fundraising efforts. one hundred percent of the money raised goes to stacy- it will help pay for the co-pays and deductibles and the like.

thank you, in advance, for your prayers and support. and thank you also for the encouragement that you blog readers have shared with her.

in Him-
tasha

All I Can Say is Thank You!

(Previously published September 27, 2010)

Thank you for the outpouring of love upon our family these past 4 months in so many ways. 

Thank you for giving so generously, supporting my sister as she ran her heart out for breast cancer, as she crossed that finish line for me this weekend. You've helped alleviate some of our financial burden of co-pays, deductibles, and hospital expenses. And to the anonymous sister in Christ who sent a financial gift to our home, if you are reading....I have no words, only tears of gratitude, a heart filled to overflowing with thanksgiving. As Jesus said, "inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me." Thank you. 

Thank you for your daily prayers and words of encouragement. You truly are God's hands and feet to us right now and we are eternally grateful. 

Thank you for checking in on me, emailing me and just sending your love. I've said it before and I say it again, "my heart is full." 

Thank you for letting me be me. Somedays, I'm not sure who me is...so much is new and yet so much is the same. 

Thank you for holding my hand as there are many days on this journey that my hand needs a tight squeeze.

Thank you for your love and support. 

I pray you know how much you are loved right back. You are each a gift, a treasure, a token of God's grace. 

All I can say is "thank you" from the bottom of my heart. 

Much love,

Stacy

In Quietness and Confidence if My Strength

(Previously published September 29, 2010)

Chemo has this way about it. It is sneaky. It plays with your mind and your body and ultimately wreaks havoc producing nausea and fatigue. It wants to bring you down and your body has to fight with all its might to regain and reestablish a stable state. And it tries to weaken you to the point of breaking. But it doesn't happen all at once.....that's how it is sneaky. As the chemo gets pumped through your veins, you don't feel a thing. But as the afternoon turns into evening, extreme tiredness takes up residence in your body that seems to linger for a couple of days. A friend this weekend referred to Adriamyacin as the "red devil." I think that name is pretty accurate on all fronts. 

I had my third chemo treatment last Thursday. My oncologist had told me that the longer you get chemo, as it accumulates in my body, the more effect it will have and the more tired I will become. 

I am tired. 

This last treatment was the hardest. It tricked me this time, though. I left the Cancer Center on Thursday afternoon feeling just fine. My in-laws were in town for the week and I had extra hands on deck each day. It was a dream! I felt full of energy from a week of extra help. As the evening ensued, so did the fatigue and by about 7:30 or so, off to bed I went. I awoke Friday morning feeling rested and was off an running. Nausea was an undertone throughout the day, but I have grown accustomed to that after my treatments. Overall, I was surprised at how good I felt on Friday. Saturday morning, I went in early for my Neulasta shot (it helps my blood rebuild for the next treatment) and then onto the football field for Seth's game that morning. As friends asked how I was doing, I joyfully said, "great!" and truly, I was feeling good and so glad to be at the field. And that's how this chemo thing works....one minute you feel great and the next you feel cut off at the knees. I thought I would sail through treatment number 3 and be on my way.....but by later that afternoon, my body was slowly shutting down and crying out for rest. I crawled into bed late Saturday afternoon, as we had dinner plans that evening with friends. I slept for a few hours, but just didn't bounce back as I expected. 

Sunday came quickly and was filled with more children's activities. And as Monday approached, I still didn't feel 100 percent. I was frustrated, tired and struggling on many fronts. 

You see, as the fatigue begins to take over my body after these treatments, it becomes so hard to get out of bed in the morning. I now have to retire earlier than usual in the evening, as well. I set my alarm for 5:00 AM each night and just can't seem to get up. I actually turn my alarm off in my sleep and I don't even have the alarm clock set next to my bed. It is on the floor toward the end of my bed. Crazy, I know. This has plagued me since college. It has become a joke actually. Barclay just laughs when he sees me setting it. 

But, oh how I need to get up early before the children. That time is precious. It is the time when I get recharged, refreshed and filled so that I can make it through the day. It is the time that is reserved for me and God. 

Well, chemo has snuck in and tried to rob that from me and I've let it these last couple of days. 

How I long for the lazy summer mornings on the front porch. How I need that time. 

And what resulted was the perfect storm. My body was weakened, my mind distracted, and my soul was dry and thirsty. And I struggled. I was depleted on all sides, but being pushed on all sides. 

That is where I have been these last couple of days......in the desert waging war against the drugs that are suppose to fight this cancer but are bringing me down. 

It isn't a good place. And all I wanted to do was run and hide. Seek shelter. 

This morning that is what I did. 

I cried out to my Jesus. He got me out of bed before the children awoke and I sat at my desk with my Bible open and began pouring out my heart in prayer. 

As the tears streamed down my face, God clearly began speaking to my heart. As God knows my heart intimately, I mean let's face it, He created it.....He sees the cobwebs of sin and pride...He sees what man cannot. He began to bring to my mind a verse in the midst of my prayers. He began speaking to me....

"in returning and rest you shall be saved, in quietness and confidence shall by your strength."

Now, I've got to tell you. God has spoken to me many times and many times very clearly, but never quite like this. These words kept flooding my heart as I kept on praying, so much so that I stopped praying, opened my computer to Blue Letter Bible to find where this verse was in the Bible. 

Isaiah 30:15

Guess what the next verse says....."But you would not."

My heart stopped. 

It all goes back to a choice. 

You see on Tuesday morning, as I was so distraught, distracted, agitated, tired and just plain worn out.....I tried to sit with the Lord, but the children had woken up, the day was beginning and children were already calling for me from the four corners of the house needing help with schoolwork. And Jed sat at the table ready for his 1st grade lessons. As I walked out of the office, Barclay said to me, "No Stacy, you need to be with the Lord."

I chose to do Jed's lessons. 

And that's how it happens. We choose to put something before the Lord. I put my fatigue, I put my day and all my responsibilities and everything became too big. And that's when the tiredness sets deeply in. And as the chemo is sneaky and takes me by surprise, as Satan so craftily works, so do my choices. Nothing can come before God. If I am not setting time to sit before the Lord, I am empty, I am operating in my own strength and rest is not to be received, no matter how much I sleep or how hard I try. 

In returning (repentance) and rest (resting in the Lord) you shall be saved. In quietness and confidence (utter trust) shall be your strength. 

And as my eyes continued to read through the rest of the chapter, to my amazement I began reading one of the exact verses God had spoken to my heart 8 years ago after our son Joshua went home to be with the Lord. At a time that I was crying out to the Lord once again. 

He is so faithful. He so intimately meets us if we would just call out to Him. Come and be fed by His Word. He restores. He refreshes. He is patient. He is gracious. He makes the path straight. 

"Therefore, the LORD will wait, that He may be gracious to you;

And therefore He will be exalted, that He may have mercy on you.

For the LORD is a God of justice;

Blessed are all those who wait for Him.

For the people shall dwell in Zion at Jerusalem;

You shall weep no more.

He will be very gracious to you at the sound of your cry;

When He hears it, He will answer you.

And though the Lord gives you

The bread of adversity and the water of affliction,

Yet your teachers will not be moved into a corner anymore,

But your eyes shall see your teachers.

Your ears shall hear a word behind you saying,

This is the way, walk in it." Isaiah 30:18-21

He is the way. The only way. 

And through this maze of cancer, chemo and treatments, and all else that comes along my path, He will tell me the way to go, if I would just seek Him and spend time with Him. 

With God's strength, this chemo will not take me down. It may weaken me. It may set in and cause my body to fight like it has never fought before, but it won't have me. And I pray that even though it is a poison to my body, it will be a healer of any remnant cancer cells floating through my body. And that what Satan desires for evil.....God desires for good. That in this chemo journey, in this fight, I would run even harder into the arms of my heavenly Father and see Him face to face. Know Him more deeply than I have ever known Him before. 

And so today is a new day. My body is still tired, but my spirit is refreshed and refueled. God says "man cannot live on bread alone, but every word that proceeds from the mouth of God." This is what Jesus said to Satan as He was temped in the desert. He hadn't eaten in 40 days. I'm sure He was quite tired and His body was weak. But I also believe He was strong. He had just been baptized and filled with the Holy Spirit. He was strong as He had spent time with His Father. In quietness and confidence was His strength. He trusted in His Father. Bread will fuel our body, but not our spirit or soul. We need God's Word. I need His Word each day. 

...........and in quietness and confidence is my strength.

Much love,

Stacy

Good For Me To Be Afflicted

(Previously published October 2, 2010)

"It was good for me to be afflicted, that I may learn Your statutes. 

The law of Your mouth is better to me than thousands of coins of gold and silver. 

Your hands have made me and fashioned me; 

Give me understanding, that I may learn Your commandments. 

Those who fear you will be glad when they see me, because I have hoped in Your word. 

I know O Lord, that Your judgments are right, 

and that in faithfulness You have afflicted me. 

Let, I pray, Your merciful kindness be for my comfort, 

according to Your Word to Your servant."Psalm 119:71-76

This is what God spoke to my heart yesterday as I sat with Him in the morning. Hard words to hear, huh? 

"Good to be afflicted."

But really, not so hard when they come from the one who made me and fashioned me. He knew I needed to hear these words and these words ministered to my heart. I know Him and His love for me abounds and is everlasting. He has only the best in mind for me and will work this cancer out for His good....that I pray each day.

Afflicted.....

-to distress with mental or bodily pain (yes, I understand this word to its core)

-to trouble greatly or grievously

-and the object of affliction....to humble

It is the last part that sits with me and brings the verse into its complete meaning...."that I may learn your statutes." 

See, God didn't just say, "Yeah...it is good for you to be in pain and greatly distressed." 

There is a much bigger picture. A picture that is rooted in eternal perspective and pursuit. 

He says, "it is good for you to be humbled..... and if that means you need to experience some pain and discomfort so that you may learn to receive My truths and allow them to sink into your soul, then the affliction is good. I want you to learn about Me. I want you to see Me. I am faithful. I am merciful. I have an intended purpose. Trust Me. 

And again, God brought me right back into His arms reminding me that this cancer is to teach me. This cancer is to grow me. This cancer is for my good. Can I receive that? 

I can because His word is Truth and that means He is Truth. 

And yesterday.....He showed me His faithfulness again and again. "Trust Me Stacy. I've got you covered."

Let me explain. 

Back in June, our neck of the woods got hit quite badly with hurricane force winds, hail and rain. We were in Florida at the time, but came home to a bit of a mess. Power had been out for about three days and we had to empty out 2 fridges and our deep freeze. Dumpsters were brought into the neighborhood for the cleanup efforts and damage was widespread. Several of the houses along our side of the road were hit badly with hail damage to their roofs. We called our insurance company, having never used our home owners insurance, this was a bit new to us and we didn't know what to expect. Well, yesterday morning, the roofer came with our insurance adjuster and we found out that a new roof was in order due to the damage and our food loss was covered. 

These things just don't typically happen. Our house was in need of a new roof soon. It was something we knew was in our financial future. God took care of the need in a way we never imagined. I praise Him for His provision.

I went on to my last filling of the Betties yesterday and as I traveled the 30 minutes to that appointment, God ministered this song to my heart. I spent that time just praising God for who He is and for His grace along this journey. This song came up on my ipod and I listened to it over and over again. "Lord, use me however you desire. I will walk this valley, Lord, to be closer to You."

My appointment went well. Yeah.....last filling!! Now I can settle into my new size at least for the next 6 months. :) At my appointment, I learned that there may be another avenue God may use for me to share His testimony of my breast cancer journey. Time will tell. I'll share more if it becomes a reality, but I'm excited of the possibility. 

And then I came home, went to the mailbox and laying inside was an envelope filled with another generous, totally unexpected, financial gift. The emotion of the morning was more than I could bear and tears just began to fall as I marveled at God. At His provision. At His timing. At His faithfulness made evident to me in such tangible ways. I am humbled beyond measure. I had just finished another week with medical bills over $300. God provided for these needs, and more.... once again in His perfect way. 

I go back to a verse in Jeremiah that often God recalls to my heart....."Call to me and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know." 33:3 and Ephesians 3:20,21 "Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above ALL that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen." 

To Him be the glory......

.....and so this affliction. I receive it, because He is good. My eyes rest on Him alone, not the pain, not the discomfort....but God, alone. And I pray that as I walk this road, I learn all that He desires to teach me in my affliction. 

I pray in your own journey, in your affliction, you, too, will see the hand and heart of God and humbly say, It is good, because He is good. 

On a side note.....we are in the car right now having just got off the Winchester, Va exit of 81. Heading back to our hometown for our 20 year high school reunion today and tonight. Being high school sweethearts, it is fun to share this history with my beloved. So this afternoon we head to a high school football game and then out tonight meeting up with all of our high school classmates. It has been a long time. Not exactly the way I thought I would be going to my high school reunion....breast cancer surrounding me.....but thankful this is an off chemo week and I am back to feeling "normal." Can't wait to see everyone! 

Wishing you all a blessed and beautiful weekend. 

Much love,

Stacy

Halfway Mark

(Previously published October 5, 2010)

Tomorrow I sit in the chemo chair once again. 

I'll receive my 4th and last push from the "red devil" Adriamyacin and then the last drip of Cytoxin. 

Hard to believe I will be half way there...that is, to the chemo finish line. 

A couple years ago, I started running to add some variation to my morning workout routine. It had gotten a little mundane. For months, my feet hit the pavement of our neighborhood, but soon, that too, became uninspiring. I needed a challenge. Something to work towards. 

A friend suggested I pick a local 5K and begin training in preparation. If you know me, you know that I love competition. I love the thrill of competing, I love pushing myself and of course, winning is nice too. And so I set out with a race on the calendar and a training schedule before me.

I remember standing at the starting line amidst a sea of what seemed like serious racers. I mean most of them looked the part, that is of a real racer and a real runner. And I remember looking at their feet. Looking at the running shoes adorning their feet and thinking of the miles that those shoes had run. The terrain they had mastered. The finely crafted shoe made to cushion the foot and protect it from the constant pounding as the weight of the body made contact with the hard surface underneath. 

Then my gaze fell to my own two feet. 

To the running shoes that had covered many miles and while not always cushioning my feet well, they had carried my legs. But I felt instantly inadequate. Thinking I can't do this. How did I ever believe I was a runner and that I would make it through a race. I don't even have real running shoes.......who am I? 

Within in seconds, the horn sounded and the race was underway. No longer could I think about my inadequacy, my insufficiency, my weakness.....I had to run and run I did. And as I ran, I remember the markers along the way signaling my distance covered. The finish line was yet in sight, but there were milestones, beckoning me onward. Filling me with endurance. Giving me a reason to put the next foot in front of the other. I was tired and my legs began to feel heavy. But I remember rounding the last corner and seeing before me the marker saying, "you're hitting the end, only 1/4 mile left." 

I dug deep. 

I set my eyes on that finish line. 

And as I hit the last long stretch, I heard the cheers and encouragement ring through my ears from the sidelines where my husband and children stood. Pushing me forward. Strengthening me and encouraging me.

It was what I needed and my run turned into a sprint. 

As my feet crossed over the finish line, what was an all out sprint became a steady walk.

Walking it out....the tired legs, the sore thighs, the burning calves. The fast breathing slowed down to deep breaths, as the sweat rolled down my forehead. 

The race was done. I made it. And instead of feeling depleted, I was energized. 

It was worth it. 

And so tomorrow, I am rounding that corner of treatment. I don't yet see the finish line and I'm not suppose to.

And yes, I am tired. 

But I see the half way marker and I'm asking God to give me the strength to keep running to that finish line. 

There are days I still don't believe this really is my race. I feel inadequate. I feel weak. I feel insufficient. And you know what, I am all these things. 

But He isn't.

And so I run this race, not alone. I run surrounded by you all cheering me on. And I run in the strength and joy of the Lord. I run one step, one day, one race. Standing fast in Him as He has equipped me and He sustains me. It is only on the battlefield that we are trained. And truly this is a battle. A race. My training ground. 

Please pray for me tomorrow. Please pray against the nausea, against the fatigue and that this last dose will do its job. Please pray for endurance as I have four more to go and next time, the chemo drug changes. 

I'm rounding the corner, running, knowing with each step, I am one foot closer to the finish line. It is worth it. 

"Therefore, we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, 

let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, 

and let us run, 

with endurance the race that is set before us, 

looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith." 

Hebrews 12:1,2a

With love and gratitude,

Stacy

One Step Closer

(Previously published October 11, 2010)

I sometimes wish there were more hours in the day.....but these days those hours might be spent sleeping.

That's where I've been the last couple of days. Going to bed early and rising later than I should share. So not like me, but coming to terms with the new and hopefully temporary "me." 

Treatment on Wednesday went well. Well, as good as chemo can go. Surely not my favorite place to be, but God uses that time to open my eyes to so much pain and suffering around us. To fill me with compassion unlike I've known before. To see those chairs filled week after week causes my heart to ache for each person God puts before my eyes. I've had the privilege to hear from some of their hearts as our paths cross in the chemo lounge (as I call it.) It is my privilege to usher their name up unto the Lord, or sometimes just their description.....as God knows their names intimately. Their faces are forever etched upon my heart and mind.

My sweet friend and ministry right hand, Adrianne, came to treatment with me, as Barclay was only able to stay for a bit. There was a slight bump in the road as we waited for my blood work to come back. Each treatment is contingent on good blood counts, as chemo goes to work not only on the bad cells, but also the good. My hemoglobin came back low. I am running around a 10 and normal is 12-16. That would explain my overall fatigue. I have found recently that even after sleeping a full night, I wake up tired. 

They were still able to give me my treatment, but now will be watching my blood counts weekly versus every 2 weeks. As of now, my oncologist isn't doing anything to help elevate the levels. I see Dr. Bazzan (Integrative MD) on Wednesday and will talk more with him about what I can do to help bring the numbers up. Ultimately, I know that God can raise these levels, so can I ask you to pray that God raises them as only He can?

The post-treatment days went according to the previous weeks. Wednesday night I was met with extreme fatigue and nausea. I crawled into bed around 7Pm that night. Thursday, I felt a bit run down, but able to function throughout the day. Precious friends offered to help with the children that day. After Thursday morning Bible Study, the older boys went for a playdate and Faith and Jed went for an overnight with other friends. They were all thrilled to have the afternoon off from school. I headed back to the Cancer Center for my Neulasta shot and then home to find this waiting for me.

Dinner had been brought in and was tucked away in our fridge with the overflow welcoming me on our kitchen island. This huge mum and pumpkin the topping on the cake. To say that we have been showered upon by the love of many is an understatement. My heart cannot encompass the generosity, love, and true beauty that we have experienced through friends and the body of Christ. We have been the recipients of God's love in action. Thank you seems inadequate but all that I have right now. I can't wait to shower His love back on each of you in the years to come. 

And then set beside this bounty was yet another token of God's provision and His hands this side of heaven...While driving home from the Cancer Center, I had called a friend to ask her how to cook beans. With low hemoglobin, beans are a good source of iron, especially since I have limited my intake of red meat. Her beans rock! After asking her what I needed, she offered to make me a batch of black-eyed peas. Well, she sure was speedy and had not only made the beans, but had run them to my house, sitting them in the midst of the bounty and greeting me upon arrival. And yes, they were yummy. Still eating them over brown rice. 

The fatigue really hits me by late in the afternoon. I made my way to bed early on Thursday, slept until 8:30 Friday morning. Friday was the hardest. As my body fights against the chemo, it is like fighting a nasty flu. My body has trouble regulating its temperature, my eyes feel hot, my muscles ache and a general run-down feeling sets in deeply. All of this, on top of nausea that lays as an undertone upon the body. I laid low all day Friday. 

And then Saturday, and new day dawned. We were off to football, once again. The body pushes through the drugs, and the light begins to show through the clouds. Energy comes in small bursts and life begins to feel manageable again. A sigh and thankful heart that another round is behind me. One step closer.

My body is tired, but my heart faints not, for the God of the universe is sustaining me daily. He continually meets me in my weakness and shows me His greatness. He reminds me that I am "kept by the power of God through faith." (1 Peter 1:5) He is holding me so tightly in His grip. There is no other place I'd rather be. 

Back in August, God spoke this verse to my heart in my quiet time. He has brought it before me again, a reminder of His sustaining power....

"The Lord will preserve him and keep him alive, And he will be blessed on the earth; You will not deliver him to the will of his enemies. The Lord will strengthen him on his bed of illness; You will sustain him on his sickbed." Psalm 41:2,3

Much love,

Stacy

Blessings

(Previously published October 16, 2010)

Oh what a beautiful week it has been. 

How I so love the life that God has blessed me with. Wishing that breast cancer didn't need to be a part of my life, but thankful for how cancer has opened my eyes to so many blessings staring me in the face each day. Blessings that I took for granted. Blessings from the hand of God. 

As I was picking up the house yet again this evening, I was so tired (I know I'm a broken record on that one!), as there was a big pile of laundry calling my name from the laundry room, dishes were in the sink, homeschooling books still on the kitchen table, the counters had gathered odds and ends from the week still waiting to be returned to their rightful place, and the mudroom floor was littered with shoes from a girlie size 10 to a teenage size 11. The house was abuzz with noise from upstairs as the older boys were laughing and carrying on about their day tomorrow. 

As I emptied the laundry basket upstairs, adding it to the pile already accumulated downstairs, I walked by my husband who was so graciously helping me get to the bottom of the dishes in the kitchen sink. In that moment, I told him, that I so wanted the house to be quiet and the piles all gone, that my body was tired and the day had been long, but I know that in too short a time, that will become our everyday. There won't be piles of laundry, shoes scattered, crumbs speckling the floor, laughter gracing our halls or feet running through the kitchen. They will be grown and acting more adult-like, forging paths of their own outside these four walls. I'm not ready for those days. These days go by too quickly as it is. And it is in those moments that my mind reminds me of my cancer and my fragility. And that none of us know what the future holds. That each moment should be mine to cherish. 

By the hand of God, we have been blessed with 6 beautiful children. They are not ours. They are His. I know that deeply as God called Joshua home way before I was ready to let him go. They are on loan to us. God has asked us, no He commands us, to love them, to train them, to instruct them in righteousness, to teach them about God, to discipline them, to make disciples for Him. That is what God asks of me and that is what God asks of you. Our time to do all this and more, is so short. I don't want to miss a minute. 

None of us know the number of our days. Cancer reminds me of that daily. That life is as James said, a vapor, a moment in time. How I want to make those moments count. The time God gives me to be a wife, a mother, a friend. I pray that it is long. I pray that He allows me to see my children graduate, be wed to the spouse He has chosen for them, to be a grandma, to hopefully see them walk in a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and serve Him with the gifts He's given them. It fills me with joy just thinking about it. But I don't know. And so I take each day, as crazy as they are around here, and I invest in their sweet hearts and while I'm doing it...pick up the messes along the way thanking God for the time He has given me and the abundant blessings. 

The week has been busy. I had my follow up appointment on Wednesday with my integrative doctor (Dr. Bazzan). He had run a whole slew of bloodwork, testing heavy metals, doing an estrogen panel and then a ton of other blood work. We went over all the results and he was very pleased with my results. He made a couple of changes to my supplements in light of the results, but was very optimistic about how my overall body was handling the stress of chemo and how it was fighting the cancer. 

I had a Vitamin C infusion that day, as well. I must say, as I have walked this road marrying conventional medicine with alternative medicine, there is a lot of wisdom in both camps and if medicine would only see the merit in bringing them together easily for everyone, I think disease overall would look quite different. So much starts with diet, nutrition and exercise. You can't put kerosene in a car and then think it will go very long or very far. Why we think we can do that with our bodies, I'm not sure. Anyway, I thank God for how He has lead me along this path. 

Overall, it has been a wonderful, non-chemo week. The boys continue with their football and racing season. Seth's team is undefeated and have their first play-off game tomorrow. Barclay is taking Luke and Ben to their 2nd to last dirtbike race. Seth is bummed to be missing that race, as it is his favorite track, but knows that he made a commitment to his football team and that is where he'll be. And I'll be standing on the sidelines, cheering him on! 

May you too, be enveloped in the many blessings given by the hand of God. May we all have eyes to see them, not needing a disease or a hardship to open our eyes, but just a heart filled with thanks and gratitude toward God for all things. God is good, always.

"By the God of your father who will help you, And by the Almighty who will bless you with blessings of heaven above...." Genesis 49:25

Much love,

Stacy

Workmanship

(Previously published October 19, 2010)

As I stand before the mirror each day, the reflection gazing back at me is one that has become all too familiar.

One I never imagined would be set before my eyes. 

I had once imagined a reflection of silvery, gray hair adorning my head, deep set laugh lines (ok wrinkles) accenting my face, hopeful to one day see a body that had gracefully weathered time. A body over time reflecting age and not disease. 

What I see with my eyes, the reflection that is cast back to me is one of disease. Of scars still bearing the redness as they heal. Scars across my chest and under my arms from drainage tubes and incisions, sutures as the disease was removed and my body closed back up. A bump that lies just under my skin where my left bra strap crosses my shoulder. My port. The access point of my veins for the drugs that for 8 weeks push through my body. And the disfigurement laying across my chest. That which God gave woman is now gone in its natural state. What shouldn't be foreign is. 

A body that over the past 6 months has shed almost 10 pounds, pounds that 6 months ago I was wishing away, now wishing back on. Pounds not shed through diet and exercise. Pounds shed as my body fights a waging battle against this disease. The body staring back at me is thinner, wearing the battle scars from the fight. 

And then my gaze is cast to my head where cancer has left its heavy imprint. The effects of chemo as the hair is now gone leaving behind a stark white scalp edging the remnants of a tanned face from the summer. Eyelashes and eyebrows still remain, but in the coming weeks, those too, may disappear as new drugs flow through my veins. 

And Satan again stands as a shadow in the background of these images trying to define me. Trying to take this physical body, my flesh, and say that he is the workman. This is what disease has done to me. I am now half a woman. And my body cries cancer. 

But I won't let him. As hard as Satan tries to take me down and daily bring before my eyes and those around me, the physical scars and effects of cancer. He won't have me. He won't ever define. He can mar my outside and tear down my physical condition. 

But He can't have me nor can He touch the new creation I am through Jesus Christ. 

I am HIS. And in me, He is creating a masterpiece. As He is with you. 

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them." Ephesians 2:10

Satan can touch the outside to His hearts content. But He can't touch who I am in Jesus Christ. I am sealed with the Holy Spirit, the moment I gave my life over to Christ. The moment I said yes to Him and No to this world. The moment I put my trust in Him alone. I am His and He is taking the life that He created, disease and all, and creating a masterpiece for His glory. As He is the master designer. He is my workman. 

A friend of mine gave me a mug early on in my diagnosis that read this inscription:

Caner is so limited.....

It cannot cripple love

It cannot shatter hope

It cannot corrode faith

It cannot destroy peace

It cannot kill friendship

It cannot suppress memories

It cannot silence courage

It cannot invade the soul

It cannot steal eternal life

It cannot conquer the Spirit

As my eyes are, and maybe yours too, are drawn to the outward manifestation of this disease. As my body bears the marks on the outside, my soul and my Spirit cannot be touched by the hand of this disease. They can only be touched by the Hand of God. And as my outside may look marred, my inside is being renewed, refined, and polished for Him. May you see Him and His handiwork and not this disease. 

As I taught last Thursday morning for the ladies at our women's Bible Study, this was the message God put on my heart to share as we worked through Ephesians 2:1-10. 

It was a message I needed to hear over and over again that week as I prepared to teach. 

Paul reminds us in Ephesians 2 that before Christ was invited into our hearts and lives, we were dead in our sins and trespasses. False steps, missing the mark, falling beside the way, violations against God Himself....We were spiritually lost and spiritually dead and meandering along the path of the world. No direction, constantly trying to fill the empty space felt deep in our soul with the things of this world....money, food, materialistic goods, love, fame, power, titles, and more. And without God we are in a desperate state. 

Two small words change the whole picture.

But God.....

"But God who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved, and raised us up together, and made us sit in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, that in the ages to come he might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His lovingkindnesstoward us in Christ Jesus." Ephesians 2:4-7

But God who abounds in mercy because He loves us, even when we lived apart from Him. Even when we put up the barriers and shut Him out. He loves us and desires to give us life through His son, Jesus Christ. 

Romans 5:8

"But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

And through His love: He gave us new life, a new position in Christ, and a new home...a dwelling place with the Lord. The pathway for a relationship with Jesus Christ. 

To show us the riches of His grace. He reaches out to save us. Undeserved. 

All you have to do is receive Him. Receive His grace. Call on His name and be saved. 

And it is by His grace that we have been saved. Not by our works. Not by going to church. Not through our parents. Not by trying to be a good person. Not by giving money to others...all this is good. But it won't give you salvation. 

Salvation is a gift from God...through faith....through believing in Him. 

And we, are His workmanship. The work of His hands. And our lives are His as He masterfully puts each piece into place creating in us the most beautiful tapestry. The most beautiful landscape. The most beautiful masterpiece. 

This cancer. It is one puzzle piece in a puzzle that has yet to be completely put together. What you are going through today.....your pain or hardship....it is one puzzle piece and it will fit skillfully into the next piece and the next and the next...and when you breathe your last breathe and as a believer in Jesus Christ, when He ushers you to your eternal home....the landscape of your life will be life a magnificent sunset setting across the horizon. And on that day, it will all make sense...the pain, the trials, the disease. The day we stand face to face with the designer, our God and Father, Jesus Christ. 

But God....He defines me. May this life be all about Him. May these scars be for His glory. May He create His masterpiece through the few fishes and loaves that I have. 

Much love,

Stacy

WooHoo!

(Previously published October 20, 2010)

I had my oncologist appointment earlier today and my hemoglobin level is up to 11.7 and all other blood counts look good for Round 5 of chemo tomorrow!!

Thank you so much for your prayers this week. Yes, I am still really fatigued despite the rise in my red count. Today my eyes just burned and my body was calling for a nap all day. As my oncologist said this morning...."Stacy, we are putting poison in your body. Your body can only fight so hard before it gets tired." 

Oh and to think I have 3 more to go after tomorrow.....BUT GOD! 

Oh, He is merciful, gracious and loving and has fought this fight and won. He is my strength and my hope. And so I say, woo hoo for my blood counts. Not sure if it was all that wheatgrass (and oh does it turn my stomach right now!) but I will keep plugging away with it as I know it does the body good. Was it all those beans or the mighty hand of God upon my body? I'm giving Him the glory and the credit due His name. He is my sustainer and all else is used by Him to accomplish His purposes. 

And so another day dawns and with it another round of chemo. Tomorrow morning I teach through the last 10 verses of Ephesians 2 at our Women's Bible study and then scoot out for the Cancer Center. I'm moving into the Taxol portion of my treatment. With that comes a longer infusion....about 4 hours and the possibility of an allergic reaction to the new drug. May I ask for your prayers for tomorrow that my body would receive the Taxol without a reaction and that it would do the job intended on any lingering cancer cells. Thank you so much for bringing my name before the Lord. I know He hears and answers prayers according to His will. 

I have chosen to go alone tomorrow to the Cancer lounge and just "Be still before God." I need that time. It is a big step for me to go alone. I'm not much of a loner. But God continues to teach me that with Him, I am never alone. 

How can I pray for you tomorrow as I'm receiving my treatment? Please let me know, as it is an honor and a privilege to in turn, bring you before the Lord. 

"But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen and settle you. To Him be the glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 5:10,11

Much love,

Stacy

Round 5 Complete

(Previously published October 23, 2010)

Chemo #5 

Sorry it has taken me two days to update. I have just emerged from bed today! Thanks to each of you for checking in on me following my last chemo treatment. Overall, chemo went smoothly, but truly it wiped me out for a day and a half. 

My body took to the Taxol just fine. No reaction. Which I praise God for. That was my prayer going into it. "Lord, if you desire this drug to be used to fight my cancer, then please allow my body to receive it." All went well. 

The hardest part honestly, was the Benadryl. Before the chemo gets infused, I have to have about 40 minutes of IV pre-meds. These include Emmend (anti-nausea), an infusion of steriods, and this time, a bag of Benadryl was added to ward off a reaction to the Taxolchemo drug. Now if you have ever taken liquid Benadryl then you know, it makes you a bit sleepy. Well, try getting it put directly into your veins. It is a whole different story. I had all these great intentions on using those 4 hours wisely and frankly, God had a different plan. I truly was to just sit still. 

My sweet nurse said I may begin to feel a bit loopy and sleepy after the Benadryl. That was an understatement. Barclay came to sit with me for the first hour or so of the infusion, just in case my body had an adverse reaction. After the Benadryl, I could barely hold a conversation. I was so out of it. I had to force my mind to stay focused on each word. After awhile, I just succumbed to the medicine and had to close my eyes for a bit. 

The Taxol went in just fine. Praise God. It was a long afternoon. I didn't get home until after 5:00 and went straight to bed. The evening of my infusions are always the worst. My body fights with all it has to combat the drugs. I was wiped out. Literally. 

On Friday, it was much of the same. It was the first time since chemo that I wasn't really able to get out of bed all day. My body was just depleted of energy. Thankfully, a sweet friend again had offered to take Faith and Jed overnight from Thursday to Friday which was a huge blessing. On Friday, school was conducted from my bed, as the older boys would come in with questions. And dinner was so graciously brought in again both nights, helping to alleviate the load. 

My oncologist had said that with Taxol, the nausea is lessened, but instead, on day 2 flu-like aches can descend. Well, I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. I have not had any nausea and so far the aches and flu-like symptoms were only yesterday, and were tolerable. 

Today, I feel almost back to normal.....the new normal that is. 

And I am so thankful for that day and a half of rest. I am thankful once again for the hands that have been outstretched...again and again to our family. I am thankful for God's grace and mercy. I am thankful that today, other than lingering fatigue and reduced stamina, I am out of bed and able to function again. Thank you all for your prayers. Thank you also, for sharing your prayer requests with me. It is my privilege to usher you and your families before God's throne. 

This evening, two of our sons have football games back to back. I am thankful to be able to go. Seth's team is playing in the championship. They are undefeated and play for the league title tonight. It is a big night for them. The game is at a high school stadium, under the lights. If they win, they move onto Regionals. We are all really excited. I hope to have pictures to share tomorrow. 

And so round 5 is behind us! 

Faithy girl keeps asking me, "Mom, when is your hair going to grow back? Are you always going to be bald?" 

I sweetly tell her that around Christmas time, my hair should begin to grow back. 

Her innocent and child-like reply is, "Wow, mom, that is a long time away!" 

Ahh, to be a child again and live in each moment. To her, Christmas is a lifetime away. To me, it is a mere 3 more treatments. Again the reminder that we are to press on in Christ, keeping our eyes on Him and not what lies ahead. To come to Him with a child-like faith....a faith of purity, simplicity, eagerness, trustworthiness, and sincerity. This is what God desires of us. To put aside what we know in our head and follow after Him and love Him with our heart, soul, mind and strength. To respond to Him with unwavering faith. To live in today knowing that He has tomorrow already figured out. 

"Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it. And He took them (the children) up in His arms, 

laid His hands on them, and blessed them." Mark 10:15,16

What a picture of our Father's love for us. He takes us in His arms, He lays His strong, mighty and gentle hands upon us and He pours out His spiritual blessings. 

May you rest today in His abundant love. 

Much love,

Stacy

Intentional

(Previously published October 27, 2010)

I sometimes don't know where to begin these days. 

I have so much going on inside my head. Swirling. And it is hard to put it all together. 

That being said, I'm not so good at multi-tasking anymore. 

My husband so gently pointed that out the other day. He was sweet about it. Making only an observation. Not in a critical way, but in a wow, here is another side to cancer kind of way. 

As it unfolded.....I was sitting at my desk doing something. I can't remember what. My sweet hubby was at his desk, too.

Luke came in the room to share with excitement, his grade on his Language Arts quiz. He was speaking in general to both me and Barclay, standing in the middle of the room, brimming with happiness. Seth was also in the room telling us something about football. (this was later retold to me, as I don't really remember these specifics myself.)

And as Luke walked out, Barclay looked at me, called my name to get my attention and said, "Did you hear Luke?"

I hadn't. My focus was on something else. 

And Barclay said, "You really can't multi-task like you used to, can you?"

Sad, but true. I can't. I can do it a little, but no where near the hands and head in many directions throughout the day kind of wife and mom that once was a mere 6 months ago. 

Before chemo, I could hear everything going on in the house. I was in tune to the heartbeat of our home. The screen door squeaking announcing one coming or going, the laundry buzzer telling me the next load was ready for folding and drying, the phone ringing while a child needed help spelling a word all the while I was sweeping the kitchen floor (ok....I'm not much of a sweeper, so that didn't happen as often as was needed!) But you get the idea. I could multi-task. 

I can't anymore. 

My focus has to be on one thing for me to truly make progress, understand, and respond.

I've heard it called chemo brain. Others call it age. But since I'm only 38 and I say that loosely (only that is :) I think I have to stick with the chemo part. I think I officially have chemo brain. As the chemo runs throughout the body, it slows everything down. The body becomes sluggish. And that is how my brain often feels, sluggish. Almost like it can't process as quickly as before. Can't remember as well. 

It has been an adjustment. A learning curve. A lesson in slowing down. In being intentional. 

Intentional. 

That is a word that has been before my heart for the last couple of weeks. 

To actively put your mind on something with a purpose. To stay directed and focused. 

Before, I could do this in many areas, at once. Now, it seems, it is one thing at a time. And if I don’t stay intentional, that one thing doesn’t get completely done. 

I believe Jesus was intentional as He walked this earth..fully man and fully God. He was so in tune with His Father’s heart and desires. He intentionally found time to pray. He would break away from the multitude, go into the mountains and pray. Even He needed to be with His Father, to hear His voice. To commune. 

“And when He had sent the multitudes away, He went up on the mountain by Himself to pray. Now when evening came, He was alone there.” Matthew 14:23

And He was intentional about who He spent His time with whether it was the sick, the lost, the broken-hearted or His disciples. He knew He needed to teach the disciples and His time with them was guarded. He had a job to do. He didn’t get off track in that job. But in the bigger picture, He came to touch the hearts of the lost. To give them a glimpse into the Kingdom of God. To show them He is the way, the only way way to the Father, to eternal life. 

“And Jesus went about all Galilee teaching in their synagogues, preaching the gospel of the kingdom, and healing all kinds of sickness and all kinds of disease among the people.” Matthew 4:23

His heart was one of compassion and love. An intentional love. He loved intently - everyone. And even when He hung on the cross, was in excruciating pain and suffering, His heart was moved for the thief on the cross who humbled himself before the Lord. 

“And Jesus said to him (the thief), ‘Assuredly, I say to you, today you will be with Me in Paradise.” Luke 23:43

Even in His greatest hour of need, Jesus never lost His purpose or His focus because He was rooted in His Father and His love. 

I want to be intentional about the way I live life. That doesn’t mean that I direct the show, on the contrary, that means that I have to be still enough, undistracted enough, quiet enough...putting God first in all things, so as to hear from Him about His intentions for me and my life. My time with Him has to be guarded. 

Then His intentions become mine. Not only in the big picture: Marriage, family, ministry....but the little one....laundry, meals, house cleaning, football games, rest, correspondences, blogging etc...

And once again, I see this very nasty thing called cancer as a blessing in my life. Cancer has further rooted me in God's Word, drawn me closer to my Savior....by the power of the Holy Spirit has opened my eyes to stay focused....not on many things at once....but on the one that matters most...God. 

And when my focus is fixed on the author of my faith. The very one who defines, created and perfects my faith, then all else is in order because God has set the order and the very heartbeat of my heart. 

There is order on the outside....because there is order on the inside, in the innermost place of my heart and soul. In my Spirit. 

And this thing called multi-tasking takes on a whole new meaning...being intentional with each task with the love of Christ always before me, within me and surrounding me. With His purpose setting the compass on this journey. As my day is laid out before me and the many things calling for my time and attention, may each happen as God orders my day, directs my focus, and my heart is in tune to His. 

“Seek first the kingdom of God.....” 

Much love,

Stacy

Family Time & fun!

(Previously published October 30, 2010)

Can you guess what we did this week? 

We were in need of some "Put the textbooks aside," some "breathe in the glorious fall air" some "let's not think about cancer today and just go and have fun" kinda family time of a day. 

And so, off to the Apple Orchard we went. And it was FUN! 

FUN standing back and glimpsing the oldest coming alongside the youngest.

FUN to wrap our arms around each other. Laugh together. Smile together. Be silly together. And say thank you, Lord for this beautiful, crisp, somewhat cloudy, appointment free, apple picking moment in time when we can come together as a family and just have FUN! 

(Feeling overly ambitious, I did go home and make an apple pie and this weekend thought I'd tackle some applesauce...never made it before so if anyone has any suggestions or a recipe...let me know!)

On a side note: It had been a hard couple of days. Last Sunday morning, I began to go down hill again after my Thursday chemo. Throughout church my body fought hard but against muscle aches, temperature regulation, and bone pain and when we walked in the door from church....back to bed I went for the day. Monday was better. I was functioning but so run down. Tuesday I had to go into Philadelphia for a Vit. C IV infusion which ending up taking all day and by Wednesday I was finally feeling strengthened again and pain free. Rejoicing that I had a couple of days or normalcy before it all begins again this Wednesday. 

I am off now to Luke's final football game of his season. Seth's play-off game was changed to next week, which ended up being such a blessing so we could focus on Luke and his game today. Overall, it is a pretty quiet weekend for us. A welcomed change. 

Enjoy each moment of your weekend. 

Much love,

Stacy

Battleground

(Previously published November 1, 2010)

We pulled out of the church parking lot early yesterday afternoon after our monthly Moms in Christ Bible Study. Faith and Jed were cheerfully discussing their morning in Children's Ministry, recalling all the fun they just had. How my heart was warmed listening to their giggles, and Faith's so "adult like recaps." 

We were in a bit of a hurry, as I had to get Faith to preschool by (12:30). I haven't shared this yet, but about 2 weeks ago, after the Lord's prompting, my restless heart, and again His abundant and timely financial provision...the door was opened and Faith, with so much excitement, began preschool at a nearby church. She loves it and so do we. It was a perfect fit for a perfect season. 

I digress. 

My mind settled on the morning and the beauty of women gathering together to study God's Word desiring to grow closer to their Savior. Of the wisdom that was shared as we looked at God's order in the home. And as my mind bounced from one thought to the next, it was quickly interrupted as I heard these words coming from the back seat...

"The Lord will fight for you." Exodus 14:14

"Is that right, mom?" 

Am I saying this right? 

And as I quickly peered around the seat, there was Jeddy holding up this bookmark from Children's Ministry. In his "just learning to read curiosity" and adorable little voice, with determination at getting the words right and pure pleasure in accomplishment....He needed some validation that he was in fact reading the words correctly. 

What he didn't know was in that moment, God was using my little boy to speak directly to my heart. 

That those words, were words that have flooded my mind for the last 6 months, turning over what it means in my "fight against breast cancer." 

Trying to fully understand God at His word and wrap my mind around this battle that I'm in knowing that I really and truly can't "fight" it. This cancer. It's too big and I'm too little. 

At least not fight the way I'm told to by the world. 

This battle is not mine. I've said it before.

This cancer has too many tentacles and unknowns. It was my deepest fear for 38 years. CANCER. The 6 letter no one ever wants put together in a sentence where your name is involved. 

The disease that as doctors say, "isn't considered curable for 5 years from diagnosis, because it is a disease that can strike later with a vengeance."

And all around are the words, "Fight breast cancer." My goodness, there are even pink boxing gloves made for women fighting this disease. As much as I love pink (and I do, it is my favorite color)....I don't want boxing gloves, nor do I know what to do with them and the 6 letter word. 

And so as Jeddy's sweet voice came from the backseat, asking the most childlike question....

"Mom is this right? The Lord will fight for you?" holding up his bookmark....God was answering the question that I have held at the forefront of my prayers. 

I grabbed for my Bible on the passenger seat next to me and asked Jeddy to tell me again where that was. I needed to read the context. I needed in that moment to see the words on the pages of the one book that is alive and sharper than any two edged sword because right then and there is was cutting through my joint and marrow, my soul and spirit, just as Hebrews tells us the Bible does. (Hebrews 4:12)

So with my legs steadying the steering wheel and one eye on the road and the other on my Bible, I went to Exodus 14:14 (note to others....do not recommend doing this while driving, but I was not to be contained in that moment.)

And here's the story of Moses leading the Israelites through the Red Sea. I've read the story a thousand times. My eyes have gazed over these verses and these words. But today they held a deeper meaning. Today they came alive to this woman whose body is tired and chemo has just worn out the physical me. To a woman that really doesn't want to fight the way I have the better half of my life. In my strength, my way, pushing to get to the other side. I'm not engaging in this battle this way. I can't. It is too exhausting. 

And as Moses has just lead the Israelites out of Egypt, a land of oppression, from a Pharaohthey were enslaved to, to a future that offered no hope in their human eyes.....before them lay the massive Red Sea. Under them the ground was probably shaking as the hooves from the horses and the wheels of the chariots came fiercely across the ground in the distance, quickly approaching. To say they were pressed on every side would be an understatement. Can you imagine the fear that was rising within them. A battle was ensuing, a battle for their lives, their future, their livelihood..

A battle that resounds within me.

But God knew as He could see into their hearts. 

And guess what Moses told them to do......Stand Still! The Lord will fight for you!

"Do not be afraid. Stand still, and see the salvation of the LORD, which He will accomplish for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall see again no more forever. The LORD will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace." Exodus 14:13-14

And what did God do, He parted the Red Sea. He delivered them. He brought them to the other side. He fought the battle and He won..His way. Those Israelites, they were ready to go back to Egypt. The battle was too much. The journey too long. The end, not seen. And I imagine, they were tired. 

But God says, this battle is mine. Watch me deliver you. Believe I will deliver you. All I ask is that you stand still. Stand firm. Not in human understanding, but in ME. 

This same message is throughout God's Word. It is there when the Israelites came up against the Amorites crying out that they were 'greater and taller, the cities were great and fortified.' 

They saw their enemy with their eyes and they were scared. And Moses tells them 

"Do not be terrified, or afraid of them. The Lord your God, who goes before you, 

He will fight for you."Deuteronomy 1:30

And then he gives the most beautiful picture of God as a Father carrying His son, never letting him down or letting him go. 

That's what God's battlefield looks like. 

That is what God does for each of us. He fights the battle. He takes down the enemy and He is victorious and in the process He desires to show Himself strong & faithful for us...for you and for me. 

The battle, the fight needs to be put into the proper perspective. 

It isn't about us winning. It is about the glory of God being seen. His character. His faithfulness. His salvation. His deliverance. His love. His grace. His mercy. His magnificence. 

And when we put down the weapons of this world and pick up faith in Christ Jesus, there is victory.

"For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God...." 2 Corinthians 10:4,5

And I look at David...as he was going to fight Goliath, Saul tried to adorn him with armor....worldly armor...a coat of mail, a heavy helmet, a sword....and as David tried to walk, he couldn't. It was heavy, cumbersome and ill fitting. David, taking off that armor, told Saul that it hadn't been tested. It hadn't been tried. 

David was a boy that sought after the Lord. He knew that the battle was the Lord's. He knew a God that didn't disappoint and that came through strong. God had more to show than a boy defeating a giant. God was to show His strength in the weakness of that boy. 

David drew 5 small, smooth stones and placed them in his pouch. And He stood before Goliath. He didn't charge at him. He stood and used the weapons that God had given him....God's almighty power and strength. 

We know how the story ends. Goliath went down. 

But we see in the end, David's heart on the matter. David's heart toward God. 

"That all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel. Then all the assembly shall know that the Lord does not save with sword and spear, for the battle is the Lord's and He will give you into our hands." 1 Samuel 17:46,47

That the glory of God may be seen. That all the earth would know there is a God and He delivers. 

And God goes on in Ephesians to give us the armor that we need as the battles ensue around us. As war is waged against us and we pass through the valley of the shadow of death. 

These are spiritual weapons, because whereas our battles might appear to be physical, they are spiritual. As Satan wants to take us down and in the process take God down.

But God has won. And He tells us to grab hold of the helmet of salvation, the breastplate of righteousness, the sword of the Spirit, the belt of truth, shield of faith and the shoes of the Gospel of peace. Pray in the Spirit, be watchful with perseverance....and STAND in the Lord and the power of His might. 

How hard, right? Just to stand still and let God fight for us. We are a world of doing. Of bringing about action and results. But God says to stand still and let the power of the Lord rest upon us. To see what He is going to do. That doesn't mean that you do nothing. It means that you humbly follow hard after Him and let Him direct your steps. Seek His wisdom and understanding, as David did as he drew those stones from the brook. 

The battle is the Lord's and we are to Stand firmly in Him. Who we know Him to be and He will show His power through us, strengthening us and fighting the battles for us. 

And the victory....the victory is that in this battle I have the peace of God that passes understanding, I have joy, I have love, I have strength and I have power....all of which are God's and are in me as I am in Christ Jesus. 

He is my hope. Not the chemo, not the surgery, not the radiation, the doctors, the supplements, the nutrition, the drugs.....my hope is in Christ alone. As I sought Him, He showed me these treatments are part of His plan for me, but ultimately, He will do the healing. All I can do is take care of this body as a servant of the Lord. Care for this temple. He will bring me, as He did with the Israelites, to the other side. I pray for healing, but either way I know that I am alive, whether here on this earth or in the presence of the Lord for all eternity. 

Back to those words spoken from the mouth of my 6 year old boy.....

"The Lord will fight for you."

"Mom, is this right?"

You bet, my sweet boy....He will!! 

Much love in Christ,

Stacy

P.S. Tomorrow morning, (Wednesday), I go in for chemo treatment number 6. Please pray that my blood counts are good and that my body receives the chemo. Please pray that God continues to fight this battle for me as only He can! Please pray for healing. How I cherish each one of your prayers and am humbled beyond measure that you would love me enough to carry me to God's throne. Please know that as you have shared your requests with me, I keep you as well before the Lord. The road is long, but it is sweetly marked with your friendship and love. 

Thank you!

Rest

(Previously published November 7, 2010)

There is stillness all around me. 

The house is quiet, but my heart is restless and my body is weary. 

I am enjoying the quiet, not so much the restless and weary. It is Sunday morning, a day that I look forward to throughout the week. A time to go and worship my Lord and Savior sitting among the body of Christ. Opening God's Word together and allowing the voice of my Jesus to wash over me, teaching my heart while searching to the depths, uncovering the sin that lays there that it may be brought before the Lord in repentance. The newness and cleansing that comes only from Him. 

There is no sweeter time. 

Feeling the warm embrace of those around me asking me how I am doing. Praying for me. Loving me. Sharing our hearts together as they carry my burdens to the cross, and I theirs. 

But today, there is a heaviness that seems to permeate. I don't understand it and yet it is there. And I welcome the silence. A chance to truly be still before the Lord and reflect. 

And here I sit at my desk. The sunlight streams through the front windows. My shoulders wrapped in one of the many prayer shawls that have been sent to me, some by those whom I've never met face to face. And I feel the warm embrace of the body of Christ....of Christ Himself. I need to feel His closeness today. 

The pains that accompany Taxol are running through my body hitting all my lower extremities. It is like an ache that has settled deep into my bones and muscles. Nothing seems to really take it away. Advil doesn't touch it and so yesterday, I resorted to Percocet, per my oncologist's instruction. Instead of relief, I was in a fog. Hence the restlessness. 

I am thankful that the Percocet got me through Seth's football play-off game yesterday morning (and they won...so onto round 2 of Regionals!) My boy scored a touchdown and they went on to win 30 to 0. A proud moment for us all. But as the day progressed, the pain settled deeper. Once again, I retreated to my bed where I spend many a day after chemo. It seems sleep continues to call my name. Each time I awake, I think I will be refreshed, as that is what sleep is suppose to do, but my eyes seem to fall closed again and I drift off. 

This morning, I just couldn't get myself together to get out the door to church. The pain in my legs still prevails and my eyes are heavy, my body worn out. Barclay's parents came to town to help this week, which has been such a blessing. Barclay left early as he had church responsibilities this morning, and Jim (Barclay's dad) helped get the kids fed and out the door to church. 

Hence the quiet house. 

And back to the weary....the longsuffering of this journey. Six months into this cancer journey and the realization that this will be with me the rest of my life. There isn't an earthly finish line to cross. Oh, there are the finish lines of chemo, radiation and surgery.....but I will always have cancer connected to my name. 

I was reminded of that on Friday. 

Sitting before my plastic surgeon. Thinking that this was one final check on the Betties and then he'd lay out the "plan" of my reconstruction for the months to come. And instead, the talk changed to two moles on my body that he wants removed after chemo. I felt sideswiped by the conversation. The reminder that once again in my little, finite mind, I can't for one moment think I have this cancer thing figured out. Again, my faith was tested. 

"Lord, I trust you today as I did yesterday. I will not let Satan grab ahold of my fears." 

But the whispers keep coming into my heart. And I keep going to God's Word for Truth this weekend. But my mind was in a fog from the Percocet. I couldn't think clearly. 

My doctor assured me, it was nothing to worry about. A quick in and out procedure. A preventative measure for the future. 

And the gentle, but real reminder that once cancer enters your pathway, your body will always be scrutinized by the doctors. What before was "nothing to worry about" becomes a possibility that cancer is showing up elsewhere. That no symptoms can be ignored. This is my new reality. 

And to be totally honest, I don't like it. I wish it were different. And I feel alone. 

So in the stillness that God has given me in these moments, Percocet put aside for today, as I need to hear clearly from God.....I will sit with Him and allow Him to speak to my tired, restless and weary heart His love and promises. 

Because when the waves tend to overcome and beat down hard, the only place I can run is to the arms of my God who with a nod of His head, a soft word spoken or an outstretched hand can bring the waves to a standstill replacing the tumult with peace and calm. 

"Be still and KNOW that I am God." Psalm 46:10

"Stand in the ways and see, and ask for the old paths, where the good way is, and walk in it; then you will find rest for your souls." Jeremiah 6:16

I am seeking His rest today. 

Much love in Christ,

Stacy

Prayer

(Previously published November 11, 2010)

Thank you!

I can't say it enough.

Thank you for your prayers and all of your sweet comments and encouragement. How your prayers carry me. Thank you for praying me through this last treatment and recovery. Oh, the power of prayer.

As I walk this road, boy is God teaching me more and more about prayer. I've always been a prayerer...(is that a word....you know a person who prays). God is so real to me like that. How can you be in a relationship with someone and never talk to them? God so desires to hear from us and speak to our hearts.

And I know He is listening.

He never hangs up.

He never puts me on hold.

He puts up time and time again with my mistakes and coming to His throne, head bent low, shoulders hung over as I whisper...."I'm sorry, Lord."

And in His great and unimaginable love for me, He forgives and loves me just the same.

Really, and truly, these words resonate with my soul..."when your heart is overwhelmed, Lead me to the ROCK that is higher than I."

I'm spending a lot of time at the Rock.

He is higher than all of us. I mean He is seated at the right hand of the Father, High and lifted up. In all His glory.

And to think He cares about me and listens.

It drops me to my knees.

I've always known this. But now, in my days and hours of such great need, He is always there and teaching me in His gentle, kind, loving way about His heart for prayer. And the joy, oh the joy, that I am the recipient of the prayers of many offered up on my behalf.

Thank you for praying for me and my family. Through you, God's will is being accomplished in me. Through you, God is answering my cries. Through you, God is healing. Through you, God is comforting. Through you, God is doing what I cannot even see, think or imagine.

Here is a verse that in the last two weeks, God has used in my daily devotions to speak to my weary heart.

And I must digress for a moment and say, this is the God we serve. I read two different devotionals now (yes, because I really need every morsel of truth I can get!), before I open my Bible and read the pure living word. Near me each day, is the devotional, Streams in The Desert... most days I feel like that desert and I need the stream of living water flowing over me. Second, is My Utmost For His Highest.  I never walk away dry from the words penned on those pages. Anyway, as God so intimately knows my heart, my weaknesses and my needs, He never disappoints me. He always has a word for me each time I open these devotionals and each time I open my Bible.

The words recently have focused on prayer.

The power of prayer. The privilege of prayer.  The need for prayer. The body of believers praying for each other.

The constant realization that God accomplishes much through prayer.

This verse came up twice in each devotional, within a week's time. Not a mistake.

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints 

in accordance with God's will." Romans 8:26-27

That even when I don't have the words to express my pain, my trial, my weakness....the Spirit does. And He goes before the Father on my behalf that God's will be done in my life.

And as He searches my heart, He sees the pain and puts a prayer in my heart that comes from God. Giving me just what I need. What will carry me through to the next moment, the next hours, the next day. And that the Holy Spirit expresses to the Father, that which I cannot even speak.

"Oh the burdens we lovingly bear but cannot understand! Oh the inexpressible longings of our hearts for things we cannot comprehend! Yet we know they are an echo from the throne of God, and a whisper from His heart. They are often a groan rather than a song, and a burden rather than a floating feather. But they are a blessed burden, and a groan whose undertone is praise and unspeakable joy. They are 'groans that words cannot express.' We cannot always express them ourselves, and often all we understand is that God is praying in us for something that only He understands and that needs His touch. We can simply pour from the fullness of our hearts the burden of our spirit and the

sorrow that seems to crush us."  (Streams in the Desert)

How thankful I am for prayer. That God knew we would need to communicate with Him and that through Jesus Christ, our access to God the Father is made possible.

There are those days following chemo, when all I can ask God is to relieve the pain and discomfort. To bring relief, even if it is brief. I am thankful that when I don't know what to pray, the Spirit goes before the Father for me. He knows.

This last treatment was rough. I am finding with Taxol that it takes 7 days from treatment to feel whole again and without pain. On Tuesday, I began the upswing toward "normalcy." Yesterday, I was just praising God for the new day. For the breath that He has put inside of me and for or another treatment behind me.

And thanking God for each of you.

May we meet each other in the throne room.

Much love,
Stacy

Unexpected

(Previously published November 15, 2010)

There is something that thrills me about the unexpected....little surprises.  

Unexpected packages awaiting in the mailbox.  A random hug. A soft word where a harsh one might have been warranted. A sweet note declaring love and encouragement. Flowers showing up at my doorstep. A meal on a day when none was suppose to be delivered. A friend offering a playdate. An unplanned day off of school.  

As one who has struggled for many years about "being taken off guard" or placing expectations on those around me, it is refreshing to sometimes receive these little "surprises." Pure pleasure and excitement. Love exuding from the the hands delivering the kindness. A heart filled with joy. And smiles adorning the recipient. 

I have been on this receiving line many times in the last 6 1/2 months. Pure joy. 

This past week, I was able to give back while God filled my heart simultaneously. Isn't that what giving is all about? Stepping outside of ourselves and giving to others, pouring out love and gratitude, all the while your heart is blessed in the process. 

While don't get me wrong, I have loved the unexpected gifts God has bestowed upon me through all of you these last months. This week, I was able to be the giver and do the unexpected.  

Let me explain.

I am originally from upstate NY. My dad still has a home in Syracuse and my two precious Aunts and 91 year old grandmother live in Rochester. The rest of my family is scattered around the U.S. With a sister living in California,  a brother and sister in Texas and my youngest sister outside NYC. We all don't have the opportunity to see each other often. How I wish we lived closer, as our times to see one another are few and far between.

Last year, my older sister, Heather, started selling CABI clothing (a home based party business). Her business venture brought her to Rochester and Syracuse in the Spring, as relatives hosted shows in their hometowns. Right before my breast cancer journey began, (actually a week after I found the lump in my breast), I was able to travel to Rochester, and be my sister's "model" as she put on a marvelous CABI show at my aunts house, at the senior living complex where my grandmother lives and then with old acquaintances from our childhood as they too, hosted a show. It was five days of pure bliss. Spending time with family. Being a part of my sister's new business and seeing her in action. And just pulling up a chair and nestling into the lives of loved ones.  Those five days are pockets of treasures in my heart. 

It is also a reminder of the beginning of my breast cancer journey. As Heather and I stood in the guest room at my aunt's house one morning, she putting her make-up on in the mirror, me getting dressed....standing side by side as I shared with her that I had found a lump in my breast. She was in one of the biggest trials of her life, as after 20 years of marriage, her husband was asking for a divorce. The thought of another "major" trial seemed unexpected and unimaginable, but the possibility quite real. 

Here we are 6 1/2 months later, walking in that reality. 

About a month ago, Heather, called to tell that she was planning her Fall NY state CABI tour/shows. Back to my aunt's she would go. Knowing the treatments I was undergoing, the tired state of my body, she hesitantly asked if there was any possibility I could once again, come along? 

My heart was inclined to say, Yes, as that is where I wanted to be. But immediately, my mind knew better as it laid out the reality of my current life.  I can't plan tomorrow too well, let alone a month away. We prayed and waited. If God so desired these moments of our lives to be weaved together once again, He'd make the way possible. 

No one expected me to come. 

And I got to do the surprising!! 

On Wednesday, with a body that had rebounded from the previous week's chemo. A schedule that was open. A husband who was supportive and older children that could help to hold down the needs of the home.....I called my Aunt Pam that morning to share the news and ask if I could arrive Thursday evening and stay the night with her and her husband, surprising my grandma, my sister and my Aunt Kay the next day. (Although, I must admit, in my weakness, I let the cat out of the bag that evening to my sister Heather.)

I'm not usually a spontaneous kind of a girl. People close to me would call me the planner....cancer has certainly caused me to step outside that mold. Whereas I still like a plan, I have learned to be a bit more flexible. I have learned that the best plans I can put together pale in comparison to the plans that God has. Always a training ground....right?!

And so when Bible Study finished up Thursday, off to NY I went for two days of family-time, catching up and soaking in the love and beauty that these ladies bring to my life. And for many of those cheering me along from the sidelines, I was able to stand face to face, arms linked together, gaze into their eyes and say thank you....thank you for holding me up and walking beside me. Thank you for loving me from a distance.....thankful that I could love them for those two days face to face. And that cancer could take a backseat in my mind, while still being profoundly evident on the outside. 

And my heart is thankful. Thankful for my sister. Thankful for the deep, Spirit filled conversations that took place in those two days. Thankful for my aunts, who in many ways occupy the place of a mother for me. Thankful for every opportunity and moment that I was able to spend with my 91 year old Grandmother. Thankful. 

Saturday night, Heather and I laid in bed praying together. No sweeter time than that. Two hearts joined by blood, but much deeper by the life of the Holy Spirit living inside of us. Praying like we've never had to pray before, for a healing.....that God in His mercy and love would take our lives and the lives of those around us and make all things new. 

What abundant blessings are to be found in the unexpected. May you embrace the unexpected in your life today knowing God has big plans!!

Heather, Aunt Kay, Me, Aunt Pam

Me and Heather

Heather, Grandma (Can you believe she is 91??? A True beauty inside and out!),  Me

Friday night Cabi show at Aunt Pams


"My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him." Psalm 62:5

Much love,

Stacy

Sleep

(Previously published November 19, 2010)

It is 12:21AM. I just awoke from an evening of falling in and out of sleep as chemo round 7 finished up at 4:30ish this afternoon.

Chemo was much the same....an afternoon of of falling in and out of sleep. I had high hopes of using those 4 hours to accomplish much, but as I sat before my keyboard, my fingers misfiring on the keys, my eyes heavy, all I could do was shut my eyes for awhile. How quickly the body goes from the top of the mountain to a quick plummet down the hill....and you can feel the fall as the drugs begin to wage war and run rampant throughout.

The Benadryl was cut down again this treatment, but I think at this stage, my body is just so tired and even the lower dosage seemed to take its toll. And my body is fighting to keep a steady temperature. On top of the deep fatigue lies hot flashes and cold sweats. The deep aches that accompany Taxol for me begins to make itself known, a glimpse at what lies ahead in the days to come.  Let's just say it isn't much fun. And so I succumb to the effect, draw up the covers and settle in allowing chemo to do its thing.

I am helpless against it effects. 

But God isn't.

And so my mind goes to Him and to His power that rests upon me. That each day He will renew me. Renew my mind. Renew my body. Renew my spirit.

I am nearing the end. One more treatment to go. And while my mind can't rest upon that for too long for as one treatment ends another round begins shortly thereafter. I am reminded that this is but temporary and God has eternal purposes. He has a plan and that plan is good because He is good. It is that simple.
 

"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us.

We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed—always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.....

For all things are for your sakes, that grace, having spread through the many, 

may cause thanksgiving to abound to the glory of God.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, 

yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.

For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory,while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4 (various verses)

I am thankful that my chemo treatments follow a week of Bible Study and teaching. A time when I am deep in God's Word allowing His Truth to flood through my soul and spirit. My mind. My heart. I think to when Jesus was tested by Satan in the wilderness. He had fasted for 40 days prior to that testing. Many say Jesus was His weakest having gone without food for so long. I say He was His strongest. His body was weak but His Spirit was strong. He had spent 40 days with His God being filled with Spiritual milk and meat. He was being renewed in His inner man. That is where strength lies. In the heart of God. So, I rejoice, that God ordained the timing of my treatments to fall each week when I am strongest so that as the battle ensues in my mind and body.....as I feel pressed on every side, I do not despair. I am not forsaken. If God is for me, than who can be against me? 

And so I pray that this Taxol will be used in the hands of God to bring about healing. I pray that God will continue to comfort me in the days to come. I pray that His strength would overcome my weakness. I pray that my mind will recall His Word, to stand strong to fight the battle in His power. Standing on His Truth and love. And through it all, my hope is in Him. 

So, I retreat to the place that brings me comfort. His almighty hands and my cozy, comfy bed where I'll spend many hours in the coming days. 

Thank you for your prayers today. Keep them coming. God is using you in mighty ways. May you too, feel the power of God resting upon you today. 

Chemo 7 behind me! One more to go. :)

Much love to you sweet friends, (thanks for stopping by)

Stacy

Peace Like A River

(Previously published November 22, 2010)

I come once again to this place trying to make heads and tails of my thoughts and emotions. They truly are like a coin being tossed in the air. No sooner is one laid bare on the ground declaring its name...pity or gratitude, faith versus fear, weary and long suffering, war versus peace......heads or tails....I snatch it up, turn it over and over trying to understand and make sense. Maybe I make it all too complicated, which very well could be the case.

Maybe it is week 14 of chemo. The cumulative effect so talked about early on just now being made manifest within.

Whatever the case, there has been too much thinking time, interrupted with sleep, too much sleep, giving way for restlessness and pain that permeates the whole scene.

Needless to say, it isn't pretty.

The two worlds of thoughts and emotions collided on Saturday evening. 

Saturday morning began with a renewed sense of energy. Following a day and a half of sleep, I awoke knowing I needed to get to the Cancer Center by 8:00AM for my Neulasta shot. Glad to be out of bed and dressed, the tiredness wrapped around me, but not consuming me, I made my way. It is quick when I have the shot on Saturday mornings, no traffic to deal with, no registration, no waiting for your name to be called....you walk in the back door of the Cancer lounge, get your shot from the nurse working the weekend shift, and walk back out the door.

Easy.

I stopped at Starbucks on my way home, picking up a coffee and a treat for my hubby and sweet Faith.

Jed had stayed another night at a friends. The three older boys were at a one-night Sunday School Retreat. Our house was really quiet when I returned home. Just Barclay and Faith at the kitchen island ready for Saturday morning breakfast.

We began discussing the day. Laying out some of the things that needed to be done, errands to run, and times when kids needed to be picked up. It all seemed manageable... so with my energy in tack....off we went.

I love running errands with my husband. Might seem silly, but I love just being with him. Doing life. Driving together, talking, walking through the store, laughing, deciding, united.

It felt good.

And so the day continued on with a sense of normalcy blanketing our time together. Off to pick up Jed and then a quick stop at a property that some dear friends are considering purchasing. Property that would bring them much closer to us. It was there that my world or normalcy and cancer collided. As I walked around through the house, my legs began growing heavy, the temperature swings began within me and I could feel the chemo effects begin to let loose once again. The downward spiral began.

I was done. Thankful for a couple hours of Saturday errands, but sad that my body just couldn't keep up.

To my bed, I retreated once again. This time, the pain came on steadily. As an unwelcomed guest. Holding me hostage to a place I didn't want to be once again.

And my thoughts and emotions were tossed in the air landing spontaneously in a puddle around me.

I couldn't make heads or tails.

Later that evening, Barclay came upstairs putting Faith and Jed to bed for the night. A routine I am usually a part of, but tonight, too tired.

Barclay peaked his head into the bedroom, after having laid down the two little ones. And the floodgate of tears opened as I laid there.

Will it ever be normal again? What is normal? Will this too pass? And what does the future look like? Will I ever be a "full" woman again for my husband and my children?

My sweet husband curled up beside me in bed and just held me close. He wrapped his strong arms around me, laid his head against mine and prayed. He saw the collision happening. He did for me what in that moment I couldn't do for myself. Lay the thoughts and emotions down at the throne of Jesus where He alone could cover them with truth, with peace, with love.

And it is at the throne of God where true grace, mercy and peace is found.

"For He Himself is our peace." Ephesians 2:14

Jesus is peace. It is what He embodies. Who He is. What He makes. Peace.

No collisions. No war happening in the mind and spirit. No coins tossed in the air. Just peace.

Jesus's peace began to wash over me.

From down the hallway, my little Faithy girl called my name.

"Mommy, are you going to come say goodnight to me?"

My husband let go of the embrace, and I pulled myself out of bed making my way to her room.

I climbed in bed with her. Laying on top of the covers, stroking her long hair. Her eyes danced as she asked me to sing to her, part of our nightly bedtime routine. We have the repertoire that we choose from. And she asked for the river song.

My eyes still wet from crying and my voice unsteady....I began in a whisper..."I've got a river of life flowing out of me, makes the lame to walk and the blind to see....." She interrupted me,

"No, mommy, not that one. You know the peace and river one."

"I didn't know what she was asking for." She must have sensed that, for began right in singing to me."

In her angelic, childlike singing voice, she began ministering to my heart.

"I've got peace like a river. I've got peace like a river. I've got peace like a river in my heart. I've got joy like a fountain, I've got love like an ocean. I've got peace live a river in my heart."

And the tears began to fall again. But this time they weren't tears of sadness and turmoil. They were tears of peace and joy and a deep love flowing over me from the hand of my heavenly Father.

Faithy girl looked at me and said, "Mommy, you are crying. Don't cry. This is a good song." And I wrapped my arms tightly around her as she continued singing, as the tears continued to flow.

And that is why God said, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the PEACE of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:6,7

When the thoughts want to battle emotions and the emotions want to take control of our thoughts....we have to leave them at the foot of the cross, allowing God's truth to permeate and stand guard. He takes the coin as it is tossed in the air, catches it and says 'It is finished. In Me there is peace. Apart from me there isn't. Remain in Me.'

Emotions aren't bad in and of themselves, nor our thoughts and understanding....but when left alone, outside of Christ's Truth, havoc ensues.

My heart and mind need to be guarded right now, especially as my body is weak and my thoughts play tricks on me.

And so God, once again, in His gentle, perfect and loving way, swooped in and met me right where I was reminding me of His love and sovereignty. Reminding me to come to Him and rest my head. Reminding me that in Him is peace like a river ready to flow over my soul.

This morning, the new light is dawning as He is once again relieving the pain, renewing and restoring.

I don't need to understand....just trust...in trusting Him there is peace. 

"Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. 

Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27

Much love In Christ,

Stacy

Thanksgiving Travels

(Previously published November 29, 2010)

Sorry it has been a week since I've written anything.....All is well on the home front. Life just kept me away. I always have the best intentions, and thoughts continue to swirl in my head, but somehow I can't always make it to the computer to put those thoughts down.

This week is a big week for me, as my last chemo is in eyesight. I hope to post tomorrow some more on that subject, but for today I'll share with you the Thanksgiving that I think might go down in our families' record book. I envision years beyond when my children will say, "Mom, remember that crazy Thanksgiving when we all went to Harrisburg the day before Thanksgiving and had to fill up 7 hours while Dad worked, the day went on forever, we were exhausted and oh you had cancer." I think there will be many laughs in hindsight.

Here is how it unfolded......

We weren't exactly sure what we were going to do this year for Thanksgiving. I have gone from an expert, "need to plan out every minute" kind of girl, to a let's wait and see what tomorrow brings kind of a girl and we'll decide then." Cancer has a way of doing that to you. And it is good. I'm liking the change.

In most past years, we'd travel to Northern VA (about a 3 hours drive) and spend a couple days with my husband's family. His parents live there along with his brother and his family and his sister and hers. All the extended family comes to town, as well, making it a mini-family reunion each year. It truly is special to see everyone come together for the holiday. There are around 40 people in attendance.

Let's just say this year, that was a teeny tiny bit overwhelming to me. I just didn't want to talk about cancer. I didn't want to wear cancer and I just didn't know if I'd have the energy to pack us all up and make the trek. But I wanted to do it for my husband. I wanted it for my kids, as family is so important. And the energy was returning after round 7 of chemo. So, on Tuesday we decided to make the trip. I was so thankful that Thanksgiving fell on an off-chemo week for me as it might just be one of my top favorite meals and I was looking forward to tasting it and enjoying it.

My husband works for an orthopedic company on the sales end of things. When surgeons are operating and using his spinal hardware, he is in the OR with the surgeon. Well, another consultant had asked him to cover a case in Harrisburg, PA on Wednesday. Harrisburg is almost halfway to his parents house. We found out Wednesday afternoon that the case had been moved to number 2 on the OR schedule. That meant a 10:30 OR time instead of 7:30AM.

Our plans were becoming a bit more complicated. In light of that new development, I thought it crazy for him to drive there, drive back to our house upon completion and then all of us retrace his steps. So I had this crazy idea to pack up that night, put it all in the car early Wednesday morning and go with him to Harrisburg. I figured I'd take the kids while he was in surgery and make a field trip out of it. Sometimes I can be a bit over ambitious. Still a work in progress....

So packed we did. By 9:00 Wednesday morning, we were all on our way. We were going to drop Barclay off at the Harrisburg hospital at 10:30 and then the kids and I would make our way to the Harrisburg State Museum. All went smoothly and to say the kids were excited would be an understatement.

The museum was both educational and inspirational seeing PA's history before us and the foundation of the state we live in. Ben and Seth are studying American History right now, and just finished through the colonization of the states, so we were in step with what they were studying. We all loved it. On the lower level they had a kids zone, which the younger 2 loved....and the 3 older found ways to enjoy as well. It was a nice way to end the museum tour.

We went across the street for lunch and then over to the state capital. I had never been there and it is truly a magnificent building. The kids were enthralled with it. We saw the senate and the House of Representatives. We stood in the Rotunda and marveled at the history that coated the walls and floors of that building. We sat on the marble grand staircase steps and read through the brochure together gleaning the facts from the pages as our eyes took in the surroundings. Together, we walked the halls of history as so much came alive. A field trip like none other.

We walked back to the car and at this point, I'm thinking we are in the home stretch. Three hours were absorbed as we soaked up the history. My feet, which have been struck with Neuropathy due to the chemo, were beginning to get soar. I texted Barclay to get his ETA and his reply back was, "we are getting ready for the second part of the surgery...about 3 more hours."

It was at this point that I began getting a bit ancy. I wasn't quite sure how to fill 3 more hours and we were all museumed out at this point. My brain went into survival mode....5 kids....a town I used to live in years ago, but it had changed quite a bit.....what to do with the next 3 hours? They were filled with walking through 2 malls, treking through the Big Bass Pro Shop (where we blew through $7 in quarters in 30 minutes as the boys played the laser gun games), and checking out our first home where Ben had lived for 2 years some 12 years ago. I think we drove pretty much all around Harrisburg by that point. 

Around 5:30, I dared text Barclay again to see how close he was to being done. He said he wasn't sure. That is never a good answer. And at this point, I was beyond weary, totally worn out and questioning what had possessed me to think I could do this? It was then that I threw in the towel, drove back to the hospital and thanked God for the car DVD. For the next hour and a half, we sat parked in the hospital parking lot, car running, while the kids watched a movie. At 7:15 my dear sweet hubby walked out the hospital doors and we all sighed a heavy sigh of thankfulness.

Onward we traveled to Winchester, VA....after a long, but educational day.

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving with Barclay's family. Thanksgiving was relaxing. And despite my fears, cancer wasn't discussed too much at all and again, I could just be....be with family and enjoy all that God has so richly blessed us with. We played games, caught up with all the relatives,  the cousins giggled together, the older boys played pool and ping pong, and we enjoyed a delicious turkey feast.

We came home on Friday evening after a wonderful and memorable time away.

As I type these words, I sit in front of our Christmas tree. Knowing that chemo is coming again on Wednesday and I'd be out of commission for about 6 days or so, we went out this weekend and bought our tree, decorated the house and did some Christmas shopping. It feels good to do those normal things. To enjoy the holidays without cancer robbing me of that time and the joy. I won't let it. 

It is all in how you look at it, isn't it. Life is that way. I can either focus on what I don't have, or focus on what I do.....I choose the latter.  And all is good. It sure will be a Thanksgiving to remember.

Hope you all had a full Thanksgiving spent savoring the richness and blessings of all that you have.

Much love,

Stacy

Victory - Last Chemo Treatment!

(Previously published December 1, 2010)

5:30AM

The bedside alarm sounds.

I am unfazed. In a deep slumber. Just a little longer echoes in my mind as I unconsciously lean over turning off the alarm. No snooze. Off. 

And my mind and spirit wrestle as I drift back off to sleep. 

"Come to Me." I hear. I'm waiting whispers the voice of God. 

And I so want to go but don't. Sleep ensues. 

And He waits. He doesn't have too, but He does. He stands at the door. Not being an intrusive God. Not forceful. And I'm sure, His heart is aching for me to choose Him over sleep. 

He wakes me up at 6:42 with an urgency. I'm awake. The need to be with Him overtakes my need for more sleep. 

Forgive me, Lord. I'm sorry. 

And the hand of forgiveness is extended. His grace poured out. 

I am on a mission as I slip out the bedroom door and go to my new meeting space with the Lord. 

The house is quiet and dark. Stillness abounds. 

In that stillness we meet as a divine appointment had been planned unbeknownst to me. 

Jesus had something to speak to my heart. Something I needed for today and each day going forward. 

His love is abundant and real like that. He has that for each of us if only we "Come and meet Him."

So we met as we do almost everyday. This day He poured out upon me as if a deluge of living water flooded my heart with words that dripped truth from every drop. 

As the rain outside poured heavily this morning and the wind swept the rain, so too, the Holy Spirit was doing a work in my heart, deep inside. 

You see, today, Wednesday, December 1st, was chemo #8, my last treatment. A day marked forever on the calendar. A day signifying the end and a new beginning. A day that should be filled with joy and thanksgiving. Rejoicing. 

And I was struggling.

I kept looking past today with the reality that my cancer could come back and with it, more chemo. More treatments. More pain. Was today really the end? What if it is temporary, as I wait through the next 5 years. The next 10 years. What if it comes back and I am back in this room, in this chair?  I will be forever in relationship with my oncologist. Forever tested, scanned and prodded. Forever on alert to signs in my body signifying a return. 

And I put up a wall of protection. I justified my feelings saying I was living in reality. The reality that my cancer could return. I can "Do" all the right things: eat well, take my supplements, exercise, rest, go for Vit. C treatments, get chemo, get radiation.... and yet, my cancer is in God's hands. My future, it too lies outside of my control in the hands that created me. 

And He asked me this morning, "Will you walk in victory or in defeat?" Will you walk by faith, trusting that I have something good for you no matter what? I go before you in all things. Trust Me. Or will you walk in your old ways.....fear? Fearing the future, trusting, putting my hope in "things" outside of him, fearing cancer?"

That four letter word that has been attached to my heart for too many years. I thought I was free from fear and that I had let those weights go long ago. 

But I had picked them back up. You see my greatest fear in life has always been cancer and my health. And it ultimately came down to control, gripping tightly to the tangible or letting go to the seemingly intangible. Walking by faith not by sight. 

God was asking me this morning to face that fear head on, with Him as He gently lead me by the hand through His Word. His Word is truth and there the intangible becomes alive. Real. Abundant. Tangible.

And He walked me through the fear. He named the sin for me. And isn't that what we do with sin. We justify. We try to give it a pretty name or even pretend that it isn't even there. 

But God...those two words that change it all. He says "in me there is victory and with victory there is peace and there is rest. Will you grab ahold of Me? Will you posses the victory that is yours in Christ.  He wants us to repent. To come to Him, confess, and be cleansed. 

He sent the cleansing rain this morning. 

With the house quiet, the lights low and my heart ready. We met. 

As we began our walk together through His Word. He didn't waste any time. 

I picked up my devotional reading:

"There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God." Hebrews 4:9

That rest includes victory: "The Lord gave them rest on every side.....The Lord handed all their enemies over to them" Joshua 21:44. "Thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." 1 Corinthians 15:57

And you know what....I didn't realize this this morning as I read, but as I typed that last verse just now and then typed where it is found in the Bible, I stopped.

You see, my life verse is 1 Corinthians 15:58. God gave me that verse when I was pregnant with Joshua just days before I knew that he was fatally ill. It is my life verse because it stands as the platform upon which I stand with Christ.

"Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing your labor is not in vain in the Lord." 

My life is in Him and a work of Him. And this verse proceeds it. "But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." 

As I type I am in awe once again in my Father, Jesus Christ.

I can be steadfast and immovable because He is. And He gives me the victory through Him alone. 

It is the bookend to my faith. As this walk of cancer has been for me. Josh was one end and this cancer has been and will continue to be another. Two roads looking completely different on the outside, but doing a work much the same, only deeper on the inside. 

He goes before us in ALL things just as this verse goes before the other. 

Victory. 

Victory includes peace. Victory includes rest. Victory is the absence of war. Where there is peace, there is no fear. That is only found in Christ.

You see, the devotional went on to tell the story of a Christian woman, who was plagued by fear, trouble and anxiety. She had a dream. In that dream God met her. She was walking on a highway and on that highway all the people were carrying black bundles. The people were tired and they were weighted down...burdened.  These bundles were being dropped along the road by scary, creepy looking creatures. And as one bundle dropped someone quickly picked it up, carrying it along. She, too, carried her black bundles. 

After awhile, she looked up and starred into the face of man whose face shined with light, peace and love. He moved through the crowd. He came to her and asked her why she was carrying those bundles? He told Him how tired she was. They were heavy. He looked her in the eyes and told her, "Those bundles are not from Me. You have no need for them. They are the devil's burdens weighing you down. Drop them and refuse to pick them up again. Then you will find your path easy and you will feel carried on the wing's of eagles. (Ex. 19:4)

She dropped those black bundles, laid herself at the feet of Jesus and her heart was filled with peace. You see she possessed the victory. She choose to live in it. She choose Him.

And I bowed my head and prayed. I poured out my life to Christ surrendering it all to Him, again. 

I then, opened my Bible, to Daniel. And God in His perfect way lead me through His Word, laying my eyes on the exact words that my heart needed to hear. One verse, lead to another, and another until He brought me to my final resting place.

In Daniel He showed me that Daniel "Purposed in His heart that He would not sin and instead, seek holiness and purity." That is He sought God. He would not eat the food dedicated to idols. That which goes against God. 

Because of this, Daniel was victorious. You see he was going against the king's instruction and choosing God. All signs said that he would die, be cut off by going against the king and eating something different. But when God is for you, who can rise up against you?" God had gone before Daniel. He was doing a work. He honors obedience and blesses purity. 

A test ensued and guess what, God won and so Daniel won. Victory. It is the Lords. It is ours. 

And He took me to Psalm 68

My eyes soaked up each word and as they came to verse 7, "O God, when You went out before Your people, when you marched them through the wilderness, the earth shook, The heavens also dropped rain at the presence of God.....You, O God, sent a plentiful rain." 

He went before His people. He sent rain.

At this point, I couldn't get enough. God had set out the appetizer, and now I was moving onto the meal. 

I dug deeper. 

I went to Exodus 13:21 and read of the Great Exodus out to Egypt and right before the Israelites were ready to cross the Red Sea, after a long and arduous journey. Hard. Painful. Questioning. Carried. 

God reminds them....."And the LORD went before them, by day in a pillar of cloud to lead the way, and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, so as to go by day and night." He didn't take the pillar away.

He lead them.

He went before them.

He never left.

He's done the same for you and for me. What do I have to fear?

He prepares. He seeds. He waters. He brings forth a harvest. If only we will Come and follow.

And then He took me to the final resting place for my heart this morning. 

The place I needed to be this morning, before I walked through the chemo doors one last time. How would I walk through those doors? Rejoicing in Christ's victory? With peace and joy? or weighed down? Dragging? Fearing the future? 

He laid my eyes to rest in Deuteronomy chapter 11.

As I started at the beginning and read through, coming to verse 8....it was there....there that I began to weep tears of joy, tears of thanksgiving.....tears of deep gratitude and love to my Heavenly Father. 

He met me. Taught me. Changed me. Encouraged me. Broke me only to renew me!

"Therefore, you shall keep every commandment which I command you today, that you may be STRONG and go in and POSSESS the land which you cross over to possess, and that you may PROLONG your days in the land which the Lord swore to give your fathers, to them, and their descendants, A LAND FLOWING WITH MILK AND HONEY. For the land which you go in to posses is not like the land of Egypt from you have come, where YOU sowed YOUR seed and watered it by foot, as a vegetable garden; BUT the land which you cross over to possess is a land of hills and valleys, which drinks water from the rain of heaven, a land for which the Lord your God CARES."

Deuteronomy 11:8-12

He was speaking to the new generation of Israelites who would be ushered into the promised land through Joshua. Moses is challenging them to seek God, the true victor. Their strength. Their guide. The one and only true God. 

Here is how God spoke to my heart.....

Stacy, obey me in all things. In Me lies strength. Go and take hold of the victory that I have for you. Possess it. Take possession. I want to lead you to the other side of these treatments. The other side of your journey. I desire your days to be long as you rest in me. With victory comes rest and peace. My ways are filled with that...milk and honey......joy, peace, abundance, rest. Don't go back to fear. Your old ways. Don't walk in your own strength and wisdom. What I have for you will still have hills and valleys, but those hills and valleys are watered by me. The rain I send will bring forth a harvest of righteousness. I care for you. Trust me, today. I go before you in all things. Do not fear the future. I am with you and if I lead you back to the cancer lounge one day, if your cancer returns....I will have prepared you for that day and where I am, there you, too, shall be. Walk victorious. "There is no fear in love." 

May His words be cemented to my heart. I don't ever want to forget. 

Literally the floodgates poured open. My eyes were opened and my heart received.

I had peace.  And I walked in it, in Him, today through the last chemo treatment.

My friends, God is good. What He gave me today, He has for each of you. He shows no partiality. His love is the same. His Word is alive because He is alive. And He has an amazing plan for each of our lives. Are you walking in His victory. You can, even in the midst of your circumstances. Choose Him today. Your life will be forever changed. 

I sat in that chair this morning a victor. I pray that door never opens again for me, but I am confident of this, if it does, He has gone before me. He will make the path straight. And today, today....I walk in that confidence, no fear. And today is the only day I am asked to walk; obediently, purely, seeking Him.  He will take care of my tomorrows. Blessed be the name of the Lord!!
 

Chemo #8- it was a celebration on every level...I'll share more tomorrow! 

Chemo complete...the chair is now empty......

As God has laid before me doors and passageways, I prayed as I walked over that threshold, out the chemo door.....

That the door will close forever, but the work in my heart will continue......to God be the glory!

Thank you for walking through with me. I am eternally grateful. Please pray for me as I enter into the next 6 days of chemo effects, fatigue and pain. May I lean on the Lord through it all.

In Christ alone,
Stacy